Circle of Life

I vividly remember before George and I got married, making an effort to be conscious about my last few days and nights living alone, and appreciating the positives of living alone.

I decorated however I wanted.

I got a pedicure whenever I felt like it.

I founded a women's group and poured a lot of my time and energy into it.

I am sure I did this as a protective mechanism, because there is a morbid part of me that thinks all too often about death, and I was already protecting myself against the desperate and lonely feelings I assume take over when one's spouse passes on.

I was telling myself, "Realize that right now, you are alone, and you are happy," or "There is something nice about coming home to an empty house," or, "Look at what you're capable of doing when you give yourself this time." I suppose I was just trying to remind myself before taking the next step, that the current phase wasn't so bad, and if life threw me back to this phase, I could be okay. I was (really, still am) scared of becoming more dependent on George, and then if something (God forbid) happened to him, not being able to remember how to live life alone.

I realize how awful this sounds, but it's honest.

Tonight, driving home from a prenatal yoga class, I went through the same thought process, only with our baby. I thought about people I know who have died young, and the loss their parents must have felt. I can't even really fathom that kind of pain.

I was flashing on memories that George and I have shared, just the two of us, over the past eight years. We've been really happy. We've had a lot of fun. We've gone on adventures.

I then realized, even if our daughter outlives us by decades (my hope and prayer), she will at one point, move on from our home (Is it crazy that I'm only 28 weeks pregnant and thinking about when she moves out??). I thought about the 18 years (give or take) that we will have with her under our roof, and how ideally, that won't even be a quarter of my life.

She really won't be "ours." She is coming from some spiritual realm, probably to teach us a lot of lessons, and probably to learn a lot for herself. We are just the vessels from one dimension to the next. We are just her lucky parents, lucky in that we have the opportunity to teach her what we know, and relive childhood joys all over again by her side. We're fortunate that we will get to learn from her.

I thought about my parents, and how bittersweet it was leaving for college. I remember thinking things wouldn't be the same, and that part was sad to me. But I knew a bright future was ahead. I felt the same way when I got married. They knew this, too, and I know they were proud of me, and excited for me.

But even now, I realize, on a regular day, it is just the two of them again. To think that between 1987 and 2008, their home was filled with the lives of their children...and now, it is back to pre-1987.

My sister is at grad school six hours away, and even though I'm 15 minutes down the road, I'm usually at work all day, and most evenings I have obligations. My head falls on my pillow at night beside my husband's. I'm grateful to sleep beside him. It's crazy to think a year ago, I slept alone. And eight years ago, I slept under my parents' roof every night. Crazier to think that in just a couple of months, we will welcome to the world our daughter, and she will lay her head to sleep each night under our roof.

I guess really, things don't go back to "pre-1987" or "pre-babies." Because SO MUCH will change. Careers, homes, roles, dynamics. But the foundation has to be solid enough to stand once the kids are gone. Though this baby came to us QUICKLY after the marriage, I'm so grateful for our long dating history.

This pic cracks us both up. We look so lame. This was 2007.

Everybody is telling me how I will be so surprised at how much I fall in love with her when I see her. I'm interested to see if this is true...because I feel like I've already fallen so hard. She moves all the time.  I talk to her, sometimes aloud, and sometimes just thoughts. I visualize warm light surrounding her when I consciously inhale. I sing to her, and I pray for her. I feel like I already know her. I've had three dreams about her (I thought she was a girl before the sonogram confirmed it, because I DREAMT about holding her right after birth).

I guess to get back to my original morbid point, I'm scared of how much I love people. Because when they leave this dimension, I don't know if I'll be able to cope without them. While my "norm" has changed from living with my parents to living with George...I can't think about losing my parents, not even for a second...because I've NEVER KNOWN LIFE without them. Even if I don't physically speak to them, I feel their support on a daily basis. I've never gone a day without it. And my heart breaks for those who have lost their parents, and have to know this pain everyday. Then I think about losing George, and how much of a void I will feel daily, and it makes me so anxious I have to consciously tell myself to stop. And tonight, when I thought about the love I have already for my daughter, and how that love will grow...and how it is not only love, but also RESPONSIBILITY...well, I think I'm already getting a taste of what it's like to be a worrywart mother.

In other words, I'm turning into my mom.

(Bust out Lion King's "Circle of Life" here.)

I'm more blissful than I am anxious, even if the post reads otherwise. I just have a very strong attachment to my people. Sending out all my love to my parents and sister, George, and our little one. And sending out love and prayers to everybody who has experienced the loss of a parent, sibling, spouse, or child. Your reality is my biggest fear. Your strength inspires.

xoxo,
L

12/21/12...End of the World. Sort Of.

As I look out my window and see a gorgeous sun illuminating paved sidewalks, bare branches, and crinkled leaves, I hesitate before chuckling at the "end of the world" scare.

I hesitate because maybe it isn't a completely fabricated and ridiculous idea to think that today could be the end of something. There might not be aliens and zombies outside my front door, but there is a crisp, fresh breeze. And our four furbabies (Teddy, Stella, Dunkin Donut and Earl Grey) are alive and well, completely unaware that today is different than any other.

And that makes me aware that as a human being, we have a huge edge over animals. We are aware. We are conscious. Our brains are capable of processing amazing thoughts that even other mammals aren't capable of. 

What if today, I choose to end a cycle of anxiety and negative thinking? What if I think of today not as a "fake end of the world," but a "start of a new chapter." Kind of like New Years, only in my imagination, this is a way bigger deal, because there's a new year every 365 days, and there hasn't been a fake-end-of-the-world-day since Y2K. 

With so many changes going on, it's easy for me to feel out of control. I wouldn't like to think of myself as a "control freak," but in all honesty, I probably ought to own it. I ought to own it so I can discard it. Awareness is curative, right? I think I pride myself on my "get 'er done" mindset, and restless work ethic. And up until recently, these key ingredients, paired with a positive attitude, have allowed me to shape the exact life I've wanted for myself.

But this past year, some decisions have lead to other life-changing situations, and for a while, I was scared. I felt out of control, and like even my usual "recipe for success" wasn't going to help me this time. Thank God for a strong and loving family, solid friendships, and of course, my loyal partner. With a renewed attitude, refreshed perspective, and grateful heart, I can honestly say I'm beyond excited to see how this next chapter in my life will unfold. 

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but I have strengthened my belief in the importance of developing and maintaining a strong network. I was lucky to be born into an amazing family, but I have to continue to give (in whatever ways I can) to them, as they have given to me. My mom just had shoulder surgery (rotator cuff tear, which I know is a very painful recovery), and I need to make myself available to her. I am fortunate to have great friendships, but these are two-way streets, and I have to be sure to check on my friends and make sure I am up to date in their individual lives. I must continue to focus on my husband's needs, not just my own. In this next chapter, I think I will inevitably learn selflessness, which will be a struggle since I have REALLY enjoyed being selfish the past few years. Confession. 

Back to my point, today is not the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new world. And that new world starts in my head, in my heart, and in my thoughts, which fuel my actions. To encourage positive thinking and maintain this feeling, I'm going to do a few things out of the ordinary.

1) I'm going to clean my house. Like, really clean it. On my hands and knees, scrub the baseboards, kind of clean. Laundry. Dishes. Sweep. Mop. Because a clean house will make my husband happy (YAY! Progress.) and also will make me feel comfortable, and relaxed.

2) I'm going to enjoy some quality time with my closest friends, delivering presents (and necessities) to a family in extreme need. I'm very grateful for my friend Jessica, and her mom, Monica. They opened my eyes to a foundation called "I Have a Dream" in the projects in Dallas. The best part about this event is not just giving money, it's giving time. We have been buying gifts throughout the week, Jessica wrapped them last night, and today we will go bring them to the family we sponsored, and break bread (or pizza) with them. Put names with faces. They won't just be "two girls in Dallas," they will be actual people, and I know this time with my friends will be not only a memory-in-the-making, but also a unique opportunity to remind me of my many blessings. And how blessed I am to be able to give back to a family, when I thought financially I was strapped. There's always enough to give. It's a matter of what I can't do for myself, or what needs to be eliminated from the budget. In this case, it means Drunken Noodles (my utmost favorite dish, that unfortunately costs $12). Seriously, worth it.

3) I'm going to work on an embroidery project. Because it seems like there is always something better to do, but really, this quiets my mind and I always feel productive when I finish another line.

4) I'm going to drink hot tea. On a cold day. And when I drink it, I won't be drinking it on the go. I will sit, and enjoy each sip. This is how I drink my coffee many mornings. A hot drink can definitely be a form of meditation for me, and I intend to have one after this blogpost.

5) I'm going to pray. I remember as a little girl, praying the same thing every night, to "cover my bases," or make sure I was being good. That's not what prayer is about to me anymore. Now, I know it is a DIRECT connection from my soul to the Soul of the Universe. And how lucky we are to have that, if we only quiet the mind and tune in. I won't be asking for anything. I'll be thanking God for what has been given to me. I love the Edward Sharpe song, "I Don't Wanna Pray," because one of the BEST lines is 

"Not much good to talk, better to walk it

Not much good to take, better to give

We are gone forgiven and forgotten of our sins

I promise you my friend all that dies will live again

Pardon god and mom, what I'm sayin' isn't rare

See I'm looking to become, not the pray-er but the prayer"

I want to focus, not just today but forever, on not being a person who prays asking for qualities, emotions, or things, but being the actual answered prayer. Living out the words I am affirming. When I pray for peace, gratitude, and love, I am affirming that I AM peace, gratitude and love. 

6)Burn sweetgrass, thanks to my friend, Stephanie. She told me it invites good energy when you burn it, and I want to bring as much good energy in today as possible to start this new chapter out right. Thanks for that, Steph.

7) I will quite possibly do a few ideas from this blog which I found from a friend, Greer's facebook page. 

• Read my horoscope
• Paint my nails
• Listen to my favorite album (I will actually listen to that Edward Sharpe song, on vinyl. Perfect.)
• Bake something tasty (cinnamon rolls via waffle iron. Perfect.)
• Write in your journal.
• Make a fort.
• Breathe in. Breathe out.

That post actually inspired this post. Which is pretty awesome, that a girl I don't even know inspired me. I think the connectedness and openness has already started, if we choose to embrace it. What a wonderful world we live in. 

HAPPY Non-End-of-the-World Day. Since we have the rest of our lives after all, let's make the absolute best of it. Today and everyday. It's one extra day that we might not have had. Celebrate!

xoxo,

L

"Feeling Gratitude And Not Expressing It Is Like Wrapping a Present and Not Giving It."-William Arthur Ward

I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. I'm thankful for so many people (and things!). I'd like to express my gratitude through photos and inspiring quotes. 

Thank you to everybody who has helped me get HERE, which is the best place I've ever been.

I am thankful for my husband, George.

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." -Thornton Wilder

I'm grateful that through hard times, we have bounced back stronger. I'm grateful neither of us have quit "us" and we both can depend on the other. I'm grateful EVERY day, not just Thanksgiving, that you married me. My best friend, my soul mate. 

 I am thankful for my family. They have loved me unconditionally. They are always there. Home will always be when I walk through the front door, hear the dogs barking, and smell my mom's cooking.

My dad's laugh warms my heart like nothing else. And with each passing day, I respect my mom more than I ever have. My sister and I have the exact sense of humor, and share a sensitive heart. I love my Van Meter unit! Can't live without them.

Grateful for my late grandmother and mother. And how though we each have our own look, the resemblance is still there. Grateful for heritage.

"Thanksgiving is the holiday of peace, the celebration of work and the simple life...a true folk-festival that speaks the poetry of the turn of the seasons, the beauty of seedtime and harvest, the ripe product of the year-and the deep, deep connection of all these things with God." -Ray Stannard Baker

Proud of my sister, and thankful she adds a Master's degree to our unit of four. Way to go, Bud.

My grandparents, Mimi and GrandDad.

 I am grateful for the opportunity to see two people still giddy in love after over 50 years. 

I am grateful for our family farm.

I am thankful for my Mimi's cooking, specifically her pies, and her teaching me how to make them this year.

Thankful for handwritten recipes passed down to me. Such a beautiful way for family tradition to live on.

I am thankful for my lifelong friends, who love me with every change of season. We've each grown and changed, but our friendship is unwavering.

I'm thankful for my furbabies. They teach me unconditional love everyday.

 I am thankful that my husband and I both have jobs.

"Thank God every day when you get up that you have something to do that day which must be done whether you like it or not. Being forced to work and forced to do your best will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content, and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know." -Basil Carpenter

I am thankful I live in a state where I get to enjoy all 4 seasons. I love soaking up the summer rays, watching the leaves turn color and fall, snuggling up in winter, and being reminded of new life in spring.

Last spring, admiring new life.

Last summer at the pool.

Last week, enjoying autumn.

Last winter at the Caldwell's.

Last, but not least....

I am thankful for my Krispy Kreme, Drunken Noodles, and French Press coffee. Also known as the simpler things.

"If I have enjoyed the hospitality of the Host of this Universe, Who daily spreads a table in my sight, surely I cannot do less than acknowledge my dependence." -G.A. Johnston Ross





"If the only prayer you said in your whole

 life was, "thank you," that would

 suffice." -Meister Eckhart





xoxo,
L