Dear Baby ((36 weeks)),

Dear Sweet Baby,

I can't stop thinking about you! I am so excited for your arrival, and even feel a little bit guilty wishing you'd come before December 15th. I realize that's horrible. You stay in there and cook, get nice and chubby. BUT if you decide to come early, I am READY to hold you with my arms instead of my belly, and I know your dad is ready to hold you for the first time.

Photo by Greer Inez
((A while back...I'm definitely a lot bigger now!))

I was having some fear with the upcoming c-section, only because I remember the previous one felt like torture. I don't remember the recovery with your big sister; I only remember cherishing those first precious days with her ((and that gives me SO much excitement for YOUR arrival!)). However, I remember the procedure in detail, the burning of the cautery, the ripping and tearing ((not expected)) and pulling and pressure ((expected)). I talked to Heather ((our midwife)) about this, and she was very reassuring. With your cesarean being planned, I will have a SPINAL rather than an EPIDURAL, which will provide much more of a numbing sensation. Apparently, 1 in 5 women with an epidural during cesarean have an experience similar to mine.

When I was pregnant with your sister, I assumed I would have the natural birth I envisioned hundreds of times. I never visualized a cesarean, and even skipped that part of the birthing class. I associated c-section with failure and fear before I ever had it, so I think in a way, I manifested that for myself.

This time, I've been working on visualizing "the perfect c-section." I envision waking up early, knowing it's your BIRTHDAY, and even getting ready with hair and make-up. This will make me feel excited + confident. Then, we will walk into the hospital, check in, and go to pre-op. I know that nurse will get my IV on her first time because I'm a badass IV-starter, and the good karma I put out at my work will definitely come back to me. Hehe. Then, when the anesthesiologist puts in the spinal, I will barely feel a poke, and then feel completely numb. In the operating room, I'll have your dad by my side, as I feel nothing but excitement for seeing your face. I'll get to hold you immediately after you're out, and letting you go out of my arms and sharing you will be the hardest part of my day.

And so it is!

I have a lot more inner peace than I did with the previous pregnancy. Life is far more stable for us now, and I haven't had extreme mood swings. In fact, your dad even said he wished I was pregnant all the time. Ha! I'm just so pleased with how life is going for us right now. Daddy is doing so well at work, having fun and passionately engaging with his clients, while bringing home that bacon. I still love going to work 3 days a week. We love our modest home, and I absolutely love making small improvements here and there to make it even more enjoyable ((see nesting, below, hehe)).

((Not a recent pic...this was at 31 weeks, about a month ago))

Position: Last week, Heather said she felt a head up near my left breast, and predicts you're breech ((head up rather than the typical head down position)). We didn't verify with a sonogram, because nothing changes for us; you're a scheduled cesarean either way. Honestly, I think it gives you character. I don't mind. When you were transverse, it was more uncomfortable for me ((horizontal, head on the left, feet on the right)).

That Weird Extra Fluid Thing We Had: The polyhydramnios has completely cleared up. No extra fluid! You're swallowing and peeing like a champ. It was just one of those weird things that went away on it's own.

Fun Pregnancy Symptom: I've been NESTING, which has been so fun for me. The outside of our house is being painted today and tomorrow. I absolutely love it. I busted out cloth diaper hand-me-downs from Cousin Molly and figured out what all I need to be successful with these at our home. We will get your bassinet from Binky and Papa's very soon, and set it up in our room. I've ordered your matching Christmas pj's with your sissy ((and maybe me and daddy, too...sorry in advance, we are kind of nerdy parents)). I've placed your little tiny newborn clothes on my bump and just pictured your beautiful face so many times. I can't wait to hold you!

Size: I have gained a little over 40 pounds so far. I've consistently been measuring at larger than average, but while it used to be a few weeks ahead, now it's only 1 week ahead. Even my maternity scrubs are tight. I've been loving the sh*t out of my maternity leggings and oversized sweaters//shirts.

Names: Vivienne Rose, Everleigh Rose, Norah Rose. You'll likely be one of those. We'll wait to see your face. For more thoughts on naming you, reference this post.

Cravings: Have kind of settled down. I definitely was on a dairy kick for a while, wanting every flavor of cream cheese, even eating ricotta cheese straight from the tub. Any and all childhood cereals. A new cinnamon roll shop opened in the city I work, and I've frequented too many times. They know me as the "cute pregnant lady who wept when she ate her first Cinnaholic roll" which is sadly, true. Even more sad, I haven't cried at much at all this pregnancy. I've not really been too emotional, but the cinnamon roll seemed to evoke tears. Haha. Anyway, I've been a huge fan of food and eating whatever//whenever, but nothing out of the ordinary lately.

Movement: I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions for a few weeks now. You've been moving around constantly. I am confident this is the last time I'll be pregnant, and I know in the future when other women describe their pregnancies, I'll have a little bit of envy. This is such a sacred time, and I know it. I'll miss feeling you move the most. I'm never alone. I have two hearts in my one body. I have an angel dwelling spirit-side contained in my flawed, earth-side body. I am so grateful to be carrying you, but I'm even more ready to meet you and see what changes you bring to our family. We knew we wanted you before you were even created. And life will be forever changed, for the better, in 2 1/2 weeks.

I might not get a chance to blog again before your arrival, and I know I'll go back and read this, thinking, "I can't believe I hadn't even seen her or known her then. That seems like a lifetime ago!"

Just know that no matter what happens, on any day, at any given moment, I LOVE YOU. I love you so much I can barely stand it. You're my DAUGHTER! My BABY! I'll love you forever no matter what. My sweet, sweet, baby. Come on down. I'm ready for you.

xo,
Mama

Sweet Baby, What Will We Call You?

A little over two years ago, I wrote a post about names and how they define our personalities, per Pierre Le Rouzic from his international bestseller, "The Name Book." I shared the "personality types" based off our names, for our little family of three. Now that we are expanding to a family of four, we are taking this new baby's name quite seriously! My mother-in-law owns this book, and literally, pages are falling out now because of how often we look through it. It's currently in our home, as we ponder names for this precious baby, due exactly four weeks from today!

When Lilah Grace was born, we had 3 names in mind for her: Ardyn Brooke, Everleigh Joy, and Lilah Grace.

As soon as George held her for the first time (my arms were still strapped down to the OR table), I anxiously asked him, "What's her name!?" He looked at our crying newborn and asked her, "Are you Everleigh Joy?" as she continued to wail. Then, he asked, "Are you Lilah Grace?" and she stopped crying, as if she had heard her name for the first time. So, basically, she named herself. We don't know that we will have that situation repeat itself, but we want to see this little baby's face before deciding on her name.

This go around, we have 3 names in mind, with Everleigh making a comeback, only with a different middle name. "Rose" is my late grandmother's name, my mother's middle name, and my sister's middle name. Since we don't know that my sister is going to have girls, I want to be sure the name lives on. I also love that both our girls will have classic, one-syllable, timeless names. Grace and Rose.

Our three potential names for this baby (as of late) are: Everleigh Rose, Vivienne Rose, and Norah Rose.

I am so unbelievably excited to meet this baby. Literally, I think about her and holding her, and kissing her and nursing her and nuzzling her and smelling her, at least one hundred times a day. Everytime she moves, I get butterflies and a warm wave floods my body with excitement and anticipation. I know once we name her, it will seem so obvious, like "she's always been a (Everleigh//Vivienne//Norah)," but until then, I'm not so sure. I had a dream that we named her Norah Lynn a few weeks ago, for whatever that's worth. I also dreamt I had her early at 35 weeks. I turned 35 weeks yesterday, so assuming I go these next 5 days without going into labor, my dreams haven't necessarily been premonitions.

Here are the "Personality Types" of each of these names. Norah has two, which honestly, I don't really get, but there ya have it.

Everly (Everleigh)

"Bringer of Hope"

Element: Fire

Mineral: Antimony

Animal: Turtle Dove

Plant: Chestnut Tree

Color: Red

BASIC CHARACTER:

• You know what you want 
• High morals, a self-assurance that comes from your unabiding faith, and your capacity for self-denial in order to reach your goals
• You are able to dedicate yourself to your community or to a cause, and even though you can be convincingly enthusiastic, you are essentially reserved

PSYCHOLOGY:

• Both an extrovert and an introvert, and sometimes it is difficult to tell which is more important to you-your need to be active in the world, or your need to protect your private life
• You have a very strong will, but you tend to conceal it so that your reactions to situations are somewhat restrained and understated

HOW YOU ACT AND REACT IN THE WORLD:

• In every way, you are a (wo)man of deeds and not words 
• You influence others
• You're not interested in establishing your own reputation or a great name for yourself, but in doing things well
• Most likely, you decide early on in life what it is that you want to do. You are able to devote yourself to a cause, body and soul, but without becoming fanatical
• You are slow to anger, and rare is the day that you find reason to let go with a biting word or an angry outburst

YOUR DEEP INTUITIVE PERSONALITY:

• You have a very good intuition, but it is so well integrated in your whole personality that it doesn't seem like intuition
• Your imagination is rich and well-disciplined, and your subdued attractiveness is captivating

YOUR INTELLIGENCE:

• More holistic than it is analytic
• Your astonishing memory retains not only great moments, but the details of things
• You tend to be selective in what you want to learn, though you are a marvelous student

YOUR EMOTIONAL NATURE:

• You are a warm and gentle lover, but you hardly ever allow your emotions to get out of control
• There is something self-assured about you which attracts people to you, and because you are not at all possessive, you allow others to express their affections openly

YOUR HEALTH AND VITALITY:

• In general, your health is excellent
• You rarely tire and are at your healthy best when you take the time every day to walk in the fresh air

THE SOCIAL YOU:

• Genuine friendliness that makes people think they've been taken into your family once they meet you
• You have a special gift for communicating your warmth; and part of it is that it would never cross your mind to belittle another person for any reason
• You are a gracious, giving host, and though perhaps not the life of the party, you're certainly its soul. When you do take time to relax among a gathering of friends, you give off a warm, secure feeling-a feeling of peacefulness, and home for tomorrow.

Vivian (Vivienne)

"Woman of Quiet Force"

Element: Earth

Mineral: Seleniate

Animal: Sole

Plant: Fern

Color: Red

BASIC CHARACTER:

• Your strong emotions and positive morality, in combination with your will, make you a resourceful and goal-directed person. 
• Though you often appear quiet and sober on the outside, you are motivated by a forceful combination of intellect, principles, and purpose. 
• You're a faithful, dedicated worker and friend with an unobtrusive charm and high ideals.

PSYCHOLOGY:

• Natural introversion
• You lean toward shyness, yet are perfectly capable of lashing out with ferocity should your personal universe be threatened 
• You are quick to anger over emotional issues
• You are not easily discouraged from pursuing a course which you've chosen

HOW YOU ACT AND REACT IN THE WORLD:

• Meticulous and well-organized
• It takes you a little while to adapt to a new situation, though once you have made the adjustment, you become dedicated to the job

YOUR DEEP INTUITIVE PERSONALITY:

• There is something captivating about your intuition-all the more pity that you do not heed your inner voice more often than you do
• It is penetrating and effective, but you tend not to put much faith in it.

YOUR INTELLIGENCE:

• Your mind works systematically and methodically, and yet it is lively. 
• Analytical
• Your memory, like your intellect, is well-structured and vast.

YOUR EMOTIONAL NATURE:

• You tend to restrain yourself when it comes to expressing your feelings, partly because of a natural distrust of others' affections. 
• Great declarations of love are downright distasteful to you-too theatrical and pretentious to be real. Still, you can be a most endearing and faithful lover.

YOUR HEALTH AND VITALITY:

• Although you tire easily and your health can suffer from nervous strain, you enjoy generally good vitality and health. 
• You need fresh air and some sort of regular exercise in order to keep from succumbing to mental exhaustion.

THE SOCIAL YOU:

• Small circle of faithful friends whom you entertain with a quiet charm. 
• A surprise party is a horror to you.
• Often you become upset by the superficiality of large gatherings and tend to shy away from a demanding social schedule.

Norah 

actually has TWO Personality Types:

"Perfect Beauty" and "Bearer of Good Fortune"

"Perfect Beauty"

Element: Air

Mineral: Jade

Animal: Codfish

Plant: Orchid

Color: Yellow

BASIC CHARACTER:

• It is almost as if you are ruled by your emotions
• Very sentimental
• Emotional at heart, with the capacity to distance yourself from the world and assume a mask of regality
• Innate sense of poetry, of beauty and elegance
• Fragile and need to have tenderness returned in order to thrive

PSYCHOLOGY:

• Rely upon beauty and charm to get you through
• Postpone things, and highly sentimental nature runs the risk of carrying you into fantasy rather than action into the real world 
• Introvert, but even withdrawn, you can rely on your will power to overcome adverse situations
• That powerful will can turn to stubbornness 
• As slow to forgive as you are quick to anger

HOW YOU ACT AND REACT IN THE WORLD:

• Need for discipline
• Once you establish structure, you can be a good student, especially if your studies have to do with tradition-the classics, art, or history.
• Great appreciation for wealth and luxury, tend to prefer careers in which there is a side of glamor
• Independence is very important for you and routine work would be offensive to your fine sensibilities

YOUR DEEP INTUITIVE PERSONALITY:

• What makes you so enchantingly beautiful is your powerful intuition. It is so effective that it seems at times as if you have the gift of prophecy.
• Your inner self lends you a sort of other-worldliness which people find charming and irresistibly attractive.

YOUR INTELLIGENCE:

• Very holistic; not going to bother yourself with details
• You see a situation all at once, as a competent picture
• Your curiosity is intense, and your verbal gifts are splendid

YOUR EMOTIONAL NATURE:

• Boundless emotions
• Affection and love are highest on your list of life's priorities
• You need a lot of tenderness and affection, which you can return twofold. 
• Your taste for comfort might lead you to a permanent relationship with an older man-someone who can give you the stability you so need

YOUR HEALTH AND VITALITY:

• Fragile constitution, a strict regimen is essential for your good health
• Acute sensitivity makes you prone to certain psychosomatic illnesses, but nothing major

THE SOCIAL YOU:

• Charming and graceful
• Dazzling hostess
• There is something in you that craves ritual and ceremony; most of your entertaining is likely to be rather formal and traditional
• More men than women in your close circle of friends

Personality Type #2 

"Bearer of Good Fortune"

Element: Air

Mineral: Marble

Animal: Doe

Plant: Linden tree

Color: Orange

BASIC CHARACTER:

• Fascinating woman with an illuminating tenderness and deep dedication to the higher qualities of life
• Anything selfish and false in the world offends you to the core
• Rigorous principles and sense of honor that comes from the heart
• Strong emotions, but you tend to keep them channeled in useful activity that is of service to other people

PSYCHOLOGY:

• Tend to excuse others' behavior and make too many demands on yourself
• Emotions become taxed, so temper can flare up and explode
• Terrible fear of being betrayed
• Natural extrovert; you act with great self-confidence when you have a mission to perform, but otherwise, tend to be fairly timid
• Astonishing quality of will; you have a great influence on people, transforming their attitudes and evoking their humanity and responsiveness to the ills of their fellow man

 HOW YOU ACT AND REACT IN THE WORLD:

• Happiest when you are sharing and giving of yourself
• Attentive to needs of others; likely to pursue activities involving service to humanity
• You plan well for your career and are not afraid of lengthy study or apprenticeship
• Admirable mother, understanding and nurturing. Would also be an excellent doctor or nurse, or a field worker for social service agencies. Whatever you do, you seem to bring light and better awareness to all those around you.

YOUR DEEP INTUITIVE PERSONALITY:

• For someone with so much empathy, you put little trust in your inner voice
• You put your faith in reason and your own code of conduct

YOUR INTELLIGENCE:

• Mind is quick and alert
• Able to get a broad perspective on a problem quickly and can confront complex situations 
• Fine memory, especially for events with emotional charge to them
• Curiosity is active but never invades the privacy of others

YOUR EMOTIONAL NATURE:

• You need a tender, sensitive love which will match your own
• Very emotional by nature, but your morals do not allow you to be flippant about your affections
• Faithful, dedicated lover and wife 

YOUR HEALTH AND VITALITY:

• Vitality is excellent
• Zest for life helps you overcome illness

THE SOCIAL YOU:

• Radiant personality shines on those around you; charming and cheerful
• Excellent and discreet hostess, always sure that everyone is happy and has what (s)he needs
• Loud or brassy parties usually appall you, as does anything that is superficial and insincere
• Happiest with a small group of loving friends who can share your warmth and generosity of spirit with genuine appreciation

***********************************************

xo,

L

Hello Third Trimester,

Dear Baby,

We are venturing into the last trimester together as one body this week. I'm always fascinated thinking about the two of us as two separate souls contained in this one body, sharing blood, sharing oxygen, sharing life. I am so excited you're a girl! I love thinking about Russian dolls, and knowing that should you decide to have children, the eggs are already inside you right now! So in theory, multiple generations of our family are all contained in our shared body at this sacred point in time. What an honor.

You are currently in the transverse position. I feel you move around all the time, but just around the edges of our anterior placenta, so it still feels so funny to me! You catch me off guard sometimes with your kicks, but I love feeling your movement. We also discovered extra amniotic fluid this week (("polyhydramnios")) that we will monitor every 2 weeks with sonograms. The cause is idiopathic, they don't know why! So in other words, I'm not sure if it's you or me, but we've been up to some mischief already together.

The polyhydramnios is why I'm looking so much further along than I really am. Also why I'm experiencing symptoms typically expected later in the third trimester ((heartburn, fatigue, swelling, pelvic and lower back pain, leg pain while sleeping)). We've been fortunate to have such kind and helpful people in our lives helping us out. Your sister is a busy 2 year old, and your daddy works a lot of hours, so both your grandmas and your Aunt Laura and Uncle Jordan have been very helpful with giving me a break. Of course, your sweet dad is the most helpful. He rubs my back every night, helps me stretch, gets me water and Captain Crunch cereal, and tells me how beautiful my ever-growing body is. I'm so grateful he's your daddy.

Your big sister is patiently waiting for her new best friend to get here!!!

Cravings: I'm still rockin' that ricotta cheese. Also loving cream cheese and yogurt. I'm really all about that dairy! I think my body is craving the calcium. I've also been loving childhood cereals. Captain Crunch, Trix, Fruity Pebbles, Reeses Puffs, and Lucky Charms have all been in the rotation. I'm jonesin' for some Captain Crunch right now as I type...

Size: The maternity photos in this blog are from a fun photoshoot with your Aunt GZ! They were from a couple weeks ago. I'm actually quite a bit larger today. I've gained 30 pounds, and even maternity clothes are starting to be uncomfortable unless they have the full-belly coverage. I started wearing a back support band, and the relief is INCREDIBLE! 

Chiropractic Care: I saw a chiropractor specializing in maternity care today for the first time! She was awesome. My sacrum, hips, and lower back were all out of alignment. Using maternity pillows and a drop-table, she adjusted my whole body, and I felt relief immediately. I felt like my body went back to two weeks ago in terms of discomfort. I'm going to continue seeing her throughout the pregnancy. Thankfully, the Affordable Care Act covers complementary health care now, and we can use our HSA card for these visits! The ACA also covered our breast pump, at 100%. 

Work: I will continue to work 3 days a week until you are born, or unless I go on bedrest. Currently, I work Tues/Thurs/Fri, usually 0630-1630. I love my co-workers, my boss, and my job. I am sitting more frequently, and everybody at work has been so kind and helpful. 

I love you so much, sweet girl. I trust that you are going to be a happy, healthy, smart, and kind little baby. You're perfect. I've been saying "I can't wait to meet you" but I need to be more intentional about my words... I can wait to meet you. Please stay safe and sound in our weird little ((transverse lying, anterior-placenta, polyhydramniotic)) womb, and no more mischief until December 15th. 

xo,

Mama

Dear Baby,

Well hello, there.

Feeling you move around has been such a delight. Our placenta is anterior, so I've had a more difficult time feeling you when you were smaller, but now at 24 weeks, I definitely feel you move regularly throughout the days and nights.

You've been such a great baby! You haven't made me sick, and I've felt really happy and peaceful carrying you with me everywhere we go. I like knowing that even on my drives to work, I'm not alone; we are together, pumping the same blood, sharing space in my body. I am honored to be your mama.Your daddy and sister love you so much, too! Lilah has started even called you "her baby" instead of "the baby" a few times. She'll often pat on my tummy and say "I love you" or "Hi Baby" all on her own. When it's just you, me, and Daddy in bed, he'll put his hand on my tummy and talk to you. We love knowing that you can hear us now, and that the sounds of our busy home are already becoming familiar to you. Hopefully that means when you arrive, the constant barking of Teddy and Stella won't wake you up or annoy you. Hehe.


Cravings: The oddest craving I've had has been ricotta cheese with a spoon, followed by a spoonful of cherry preserves. Mmmm. Still sounds good, actually. I've really enjoyed cannoli, too. I think you really like that good ricotta cheese. I'll be sure to get you started on lasagna early in life. Also, coffee still sounds perfect, at any hour of the day. Alcohol has been much easier to give up than cutting back on coffee has been. I have 2 cups of "half caff" a day. And I could easily have 10. No aversion to it whatsoever. Honestly, this has been the toughest part of the pregnancy, but it's much easier now that we're in the second trimester and I'm not as tired.


Sex*: When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought "BOY!" I have had 2 dreams so far, and in the first you were a boy, and in the second, a girl. About 6 weeks before we knew for sure, I had a gut feeling that you were a girl. Before our gender reveal party, I kept saying how SURPRISED I'd be if it was a boy. I'd be so happy either way, of course, but I just envisioned having two girls. When people asked if I had a preference, I was honest. I would prefer another girl. If you were a boy, the surprise would be very fun, and having the experience of raising both genders would be a fun challenge, but I really loved the idea of my children having the same sisterhood that I had growing up with your Aunt Laura. I think the potential for friendship is so strong with the same gender. You two will really understand each other, and hopefully be able to talk to each other about things that maybe you don't want to talk to us about.

Size: I've gained about 20-25 pounds so far, and absolutely loving my pregnant body. I'm eating whatever I want, I'm sleeping well, feeling refreshed in the mornings ((most of the time)), and I'm not fatigued or swollen//uncomfortable. I love getting dressed and showcasing my growing bump as my favorite part of any outfit.

I love you so much already! I am so excited for December to get here, so we can hold you, kiss you, and have hours upon hours of snuggle sessions. I pray everyday that you are happy, healthy, smart, and kind. Take your time in there, but know that we are ready for you. We've been ready for you. I even re-read a journal entry from a couple years ago, when your sister was still an infant. I wrote "Even though I'm feeling levels of contentment like never before, I know our family is not complete. Even though Lilah Grace is currently our only child, I know she is really our oldest child." We loved you before we made you, and will love you forever.


As you wiggle around in my tummy, I know you are caught between realms. I feel so honored to be connected to the spiritual realm through you. I want you to know, sweet little one, that when you arrive earth-side, it will be my honor to teach you how we do things here on this planet, but I will turn to you to remind me what the other realm is like. I will sit and stare at you with awe while you sleep, and wonder what you're dreaming of. I look forward to hearing your sounds, smelling your head, and staring into your wise and infinite eyes. Your dad and I are already so proud that we made your precious little infant body, but we know that your spirit within that body is eternal, and we honor the Divine in you. Namaste, little bun.


Love,
Mama


*Originally, I used the word "gender" but that was just out of habit. Fortunately, a progressive-minded friend pointed it out to me. The world is changing, and so am I, and regardless of your sex OR gender, I will love you infinitely.

My C-Section ((How I Felt Then + Now))

When I was pregnant with Lilah Grace ((to be fair, years before I was even pregnant)), I envisioned for a natural birth. In nursing school, my group was selected to present at the statewide research symposium, on our findings on water immersion during natural labor. My mother-in-law birthed her 3rd son at home. I watched the natural birth documentary, The Business of Being Born several times, and all subsequent episodes. I read all the Ina May Gaskin ((legendary midwife + author )) I could get my hands on.


If I'm being honest,  "C-Section mama" was a title that meant one of two things to me:

• A woman who was taken advantage of by her doctor's schedule and/or the medical system
• A woman who didn't care about the experience of childbirth; somebody who wanted to skip labor and just hold their baby

During the childbirth class at the hospital, I didn't even attend the c-section segment. There was just no way that was going to happen to me. I did my research, I found a midwife who had privileges at a hospital that took our insurance, and if nothing else, I've had "child bearing hips" on my otherwise petite frame since middle school.

I shared my opinions on this blog while pregnant ((with Lilah Grace)). Some of my words:

• "I also have been reflecting on some powerful words by Ina May Gaskin, before I embark on this journey of BIRTHING our baby! I am not afraid to go into labor. Sure, her size is intimidating...and I know it's going to be painful...but I am excited to be the vessel that allows a spiritual being to become her own physical lifeform. What an honor."
• "I'm not fearful of labor. I can endure anything for a day. And women have been having babies for all of time. I'm actually excited (feel free to roll your eyes). The concept of being a vessel that brings a spiritual being into a physical being is an honor, and I think it will be a transformative and spiritual moment."
• "After seeing "The Business of Being Born," I thought birthing at "The Farm" in Tennessee would be an amazing experience. I even called shortly after discovering I was expecting, but was disappointed to hear that we could DEFINITELY not afford it."

I visited "The Farm" ((arguably the natural birth hub of the world with the lowest c-section rate, at 2%)), meditated + visualized + prayed, and ultimately knew on a deep level where I belonged; I would be a naturally birthing mama. I already identified with that group of mothers. I already judged the others.

At an estimated 42 weeks, I tried to sleep, but the intermittent discomfort + anticipation kept me awake. After a few hours of contractions in the bathtub at home, I woke up my husband and told him it was time to go. The natural birth was indeed going to happen!

I had ALL OF THE FEELINGS on my 12 hours natural labor-turned 10 hours epidural labor-turned emergency c-section where my epidural had worn off, and I felt horrible + traumatic pain//pulling//ripping//electric shocks from the cauterization. 

But beyond the physical pain, I felt like a complete failure as a woman. I felt like I failed at the one thing my body was made to do...that all women's bodies were made to do...that every woman in my family and George's HAD DONE. Then, I felt like a spoiled, first-world brat. Everybody telling me that Lilah and I would've died 50 years ago made me feel really weird. Of course, I was grateful for modern medicine, and I thought about women in countries right now, in this decade, who die because the lack of adequate healthcare. I was grateful for the medical team. But I wondered...was my body made to reproduce? If I wasn't even capable of bringing a baby into the world without a major operation and the help of a medical team?

ALL THAT BEING SAID...

I think the spiritual reason I had a c-section with Lilah Grace was to teach me humility. I pretty much already had my natural birth story written out, in detail, in my head and in my heart. It looked nothing like the real story.

Before she was even born, I was prepared to soak up compliments from family + friends on my courage, bravery, and badassery. I was desperately craving external validation that I was a powerful woman.

Now, 2 years later, and 20 weeks into my second pregnancy, I realize I needed less judgment on moms who have c-sections. On moms who say "yes, please!" to drugs during labor. Because the labor//birth story doesn't prove you're powerful, though it can make for an inspiring story. I still cheer on the sidelines for the natural birthers, and I'm still impressed + inspired when I hear about those beautiful birth stories. Honestly, I'm still a little jealous. But my perspective has evolved quite a bit.

Overcoming obstacles showcases power. Being grateful and happy are more important to me than being sad about the birth story I wanted to have, but didn't. At last...internal validation.

Complexities of Pregnancy.

I typed up a blogpost shortly after discovering we were expecting a baby...and never published. It just didn't feel right. But I found it, and thought it would be a good one to add in my new "pregnancy" post tab :)

POST STARTS HERE:

After finding out we were expecting a baby, we thought long and hard about how we would share with friends. We actually waited a while before sharing the news...I wanted to announce the news in a clever and creative way online, of course! But George didn't feel right about it, and I respected his decision (even though I was excited about the various photoshoots including: headphones around my belly connected to George playing his guitar, an actual 'bun' in the actual 'oven,' or just a cropped image of me holding a bikini in one hand, a sign in the other stating, "WILL TRADE FOR CRIB").

So, I went inward. Which is different, since I have enjoyed this blog, and definitely enjoy interacting through social media, be it Instagram or Facebook. But I think it's been a healthy decision for me and our growing family. My journal is getting thicker with handwritten pages, and I've found that the journal is more authentic. Nobody reads it, and I don't have to filter anything.

But I've been reading a lot, too, and with reading insightful books comes this need for me to spread the message! And while journaling is beneficial for me, I think blogging about my discoveries could be beneficial for others going through similar situations. It might be that the kind of audience who would be interested in my musings on pregnancy won't find them applicable for a few years... but these will still be accessible then, so here I go.

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I've received a few books from friends and family, and am very grateful for their thoughtfulness and generosity. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I have a short attention span when it involves somebody else's thoughts or passions, and a very long focus when it involves my own.

 **(This will have to change when the baby comes. I'm hoping that will come more naturally than it does now.) 

With that being said, I've not been able to put down two different books, and I have two coming in the mail any day now by legendary midwife, Ina May Gaskin.

My two favorite reads as of late have been "Why Have Kids," by one of my favorite authors, Jessica Valenti, and "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolf.

Ironically, I was on a waiting list at the Grapevine Public Library for "Why Have Kids" before we found out we were expecting a baby. I didn't know anything about it, other than it was Valenti's latest book, and I knew I loved "The Purity Myth" and "Full Frontal Feminism." About two days after we found out the news, the library called me to tell me the book had come in. I wondered if I should read it, and went ahead. I now think that was Divine Intervention.

Both books were such inspirational, thought-provoking, outside-of-the-box, honest reads about first-time moms. I think back on my elementary school days and learning the different styles of writing...persuasive, how-to, narrative....these books are not your typical pregnancy books, which I find to be very "how-to". These are biographical narratives with a global focus.

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What I've found in these books, is that everything I'm thinking and feeling is to be expected. Not only because of my individual situation, but because of our nation's situation. Many people have comfortingly said, "If you wait to have enough money, you'll never have kids," and "When you're young you have the energy but no money, when you're old you have the money but no desire."

I've felt myself wondering why we can be a country where both political parties tout "family values" but neither seem to be implementing policies that help women with healthy pregnancies, safe deliveries (of their choice), and postpartum healing/bonding time. Sure, a woman who is lucky enough to have a job with FMLA as a benefit might be able to take 12 weeks off, but that's not guaranteed to be paid time off, and in this economy, most couples are both working outside of the home. This doesn't take into account the high cost of childcare and healthcare (for the baby AND the family).

I've always been interested in politics (in high school I was smart to keep my mouth shut most of the time...being really involved in FCA and Young Life, I knew my liberal viewpoints were not shared by most of my peers). I was extremely involved in Obama's campaign on OU's campus, and started a feminist collective after moving back to Texas. Yet so often during this pregnancy, I've felt as though the energy it takes to engage in political discourse is too draining. On the other hand, it really matters. So while I want to make a difference, stand up, fight for what's fair and just...I also just want to be this little cocoon, providing a safe, warm, serene environment for my baby to grow and develop and not be exposed to stress hormones and chemicals that aren't absolutely necessary.

Even in my relationship with George, I've found myself slipping into more of a passive arguing partner. Years ago, I threw a chicken parmesan meal like a frisbee in his yard in the midst of my anger. I flushed his phone one time! I feel like I wouldn't even recognize that version of myself anymore. Now when he angers me, I try (and I think I'm successful 90% of the time) to breathe in and out, and let it go. I am comforted by our marriage, and trust that even though an argument is uncomfortable, it will pass. This isn't always easy, but I feel it is necessary.

I know that our baby can smell, sense light, and hear. I'm avoiding things I ENJOY (red wine and Shiner Cheer are among the first that come to mind) for the sake of the baby, so why would I partake in things I DON'T ENJOY when I know it is harmful for the baby?

I don't know how single moms do it. And I haven't even BIRTHED HER YET. But I must say, despite my desire to be an independent female who doesn't need a man...I now need mine more than ever. I find myself clinging to his arm a little tighter than usual on our walks. On some subconscious level, I think I realize I'm more vulnerable now and he's not, and I need his protection. Even if it is crossing the street, or getting down from a higher platform. I need to be touched more often than I did before. He tells me often how proud he is of me, and how beautiful he thinks I am, which honestly, HELPS A LOT! More often than not I brush him off with a "whatever," or "I know I don't look pretty, I just woke up." But deep down, I'm grateful for his attention.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant now (and will be 22 weeks in 2 days!), and I have to say I love being pregnant. There are definitely ups and downs, but I think in my case, the hardest part has been the psychological adjustment. Physically, I've been fortunate in that I never got morning sickness. I've been putting on weight like I never dreamed possible, but it's actually kind of fun, because I know it's worthwhile. I figure there will never be another time where I get on the scales and WANT the number to be higher than last time, so I might as well enjoy the process.

I felt her move a few weeks ago, and now enjoy feeling her everyday. My favorite times are those when it's just the two of us (me and baby, that is) in the bath, and I can sing to her and feel her dance. I remember one of my first drives to work after finding out the news (and months before I could feel her move), thinking I wasn't alone in the car ride. That feeling has lingered.

Knowing I'm responsible for another human being with every decision I make every day is daunting. It's no easy task. But I also feel united to every other mom that has ever been through this process. I've realized that we are just MAMMALS and animals have been doing this birth/pregnancy process forever. I feel lucky to be experiencing this process.

xoxo,
L

Wiggly Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqA8HaJ68P0

"Cleo" by Built to Spill

Wiggly days wiggly nights
When it's dark bring in lights so you can see
What a sound straight through my spine
Bounced off me
Makes me round
3-D sound
Push it down move it around, see I'm fine
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
When there's nothing I have ever seen
(In here, In here)
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
Ain't it strange that I have brain activity
(In here, In here)

Who brought those cameras in
Who gave who the right
Inside a sea turned from frog to freak
(Linnart Nilson shut off those lights)
To tiny, red, and meek
Strange that I'm a human being
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
Aint' it strange that I'm a human being
(In here, In here)
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
Living in the womb
Running out of room
Have to come out soon
Have to meet the sun and moon and

My husband and I had a really fun time creating this video for Lilah. Looking forward to showing her when she's old enough to realize this is her journey!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqA8HaJ68P0

Preparing for Sprout's Arrival...

"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

-Eckhart Tolle

Why do I allow myself to worry so incessantly? Anytime I am reading one of my favorite books, my anxiety tends to slip away as I become engulfed in the present moment. The specific titles that come to mind are "A New Earth," "Discover the Power Within," and more recently, "Spiritual Midwifery." These books are currently in a storage unit (along with my beautiful leather-bound journal...since I would never allow this blog to become a substitute for my journal, and since my journal is inaccessible right now, I have been keeping a lot inside...) I called the library this week to see if any of these books were available, and they are not. I went to the internet for inspiration.

What's been causing me stress lately? I could make a list with relative ease...or I could sum it up and say I didn't envision becoming a mom while still trying to get two feet on the ground. Parents (excuse the language and frank dialogue) always seemed to have their shit together.  Are we really ready to be parents at any given moment?

My present isn't what I thought my "future" would look like. I've been caught up in the timetrap. When things aren't going smooth in my life, be it a conflict at work or in a personal relationship, I aim at resolving it tirelessly. But right now, there is little I can do to have my "life in order" before little Sprout joins our family.

So with this realization, I am making more conscious choices. This didn't happen overnight. Actually, it's been a rough couple of weeks. Thank God for the endless support of my family, an impromptu girls night at Starbucks, and the unwavering love of my husband. I've had a few blessings come my way, too. Some might call them blessings, some might say I'm exceptionally lucky. 

Regardless, I had a realization that when I hear good news, my mood completely changes. Literally, from stressed-beyond-belief and teary, to an ear-to-ear smile and deep breathing. I can't allow my emotions to be swayed so dramatically by extrinsic factors! It's not fair to myself or those around me!!!! I've got to work on this! Remembering "this too shall pass," in both the good and the bad times. 

I've had fleeting moments of anxiety and happiness. But what I'm actively seeking now is inner peace. I must say, I already feel ten steps closer to that peace today than I did last week. FINALLY being on maternity leave (today is day one of forty-two) helps me tap in to the inner peace. I remember two of Tolle's quotes:

"Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not."

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

I also have been reflecting on some powerful words by Ina May Gaskin, before I embark on this journey of BIRTHING our baby! I am not afraid to go into labor. Sure, her size is intimidating...and I know it's going to be painful...but I am excited to be the vessel that allows a spiritual being to become her own physical lifeform. What an honor.

The following is a quote from Ina May in her book, Birth Matters: A Midwife's Manifesta:

For the birth, I have made a playlist of songs I think I'll want to hear. I have a wide range!!! I figure for the parts that seem like more of an intense workout, I'll want music to pump me up. I also thought there might be a part of me that would appreciate a laugh, so I've included some more humorous titles ("I'm Coming Out," "Drop It Like It's Hot," "Ring of Fire," to name a few). 

But there are also more contemplative, meditative songs, to help me tap in to the spiritual act that birth is. My midwife wrote me a letter after the rough week with the bloodclot, and suggested a song with Christian lyrics for my inspiration. Though I don't attend a church regularly, I can easily become attached to the messages in Christian songs, because I hear the words through my own filter. I think about what those lyrics mean to me, exactly where I am on my spiritual path. The song "He Will Carry Me" might sound like a regular Christian pop song to some, but as a woman about to give birth for the first time, and as a woman feeling deeply connected to Life around her, I hear a very powerful message that is telling me a Force greater than myself will help me get this baby out. I know that during birth, regardless of how this baby decides to come to us, I will be relying on God/Universe/Jesus/Holy Spirit. Call Him/Her what you will; language doesn't matter. 

Some songs aren't necessarily religious...but when processed through my filter, become spiritually uplifting. I used to like the Sade song "By My Side" as a romantic R&B track. Then, I thought it would be a fantastic song to add to the playlist, envisioning the lyrics coming through George to me. Then I took it to another level, and thought....there is a good chance George will think this song is cheesy or unimpressive (as he typically does, being the music critic that he is), and if he insults it while I'm expecting him to be practically DEDICATING it to me, it will tick me off. So I thought, why not dedicate this song, in my crazy little head, from God, to me? God won't criticize, critique, or laugh at the song. When I thought about this new perspective and heard the song again, I heard it like never before.

We are counting down the days for Sprout's arrival. I was hoping she would make her appearance with the BEAUTIFUL full moon last night. If she doesn't come by May 5th, I will be induced and see her on May 6th. Finally. While I don't like the idea of rushing Mother Nature, I can't afford to waste my days off without my baby in my arms. I need to maximize my time away from work, nurturing and loving on my baby. I need that, and she needs that. Then, when I return to work, I will focus on the importance of a strong work ethic, and how lucky women are to be able to work and provide a substantial income for their families. I will need to remember the Tolle quotes I mentioned earlier in this post, about being present, and tapping into inner peace rather than fleeting happiness. I must remind myself as I struggle to find the balance between working woman and a new mother, that I will make mistakes, because I'm human. But my daughter will have a leading female role model that gives her best in all areas of her life... and that is all I will ever ask of her. 

Sweet Sprout, you are already so loved.
Come and meet us! We are ready for you.

*Maternity Photos by Stephanie Rose Photography.

*The other photos are my own.

Patiently Waiting...

I just typed up a full page of feminist musings. About how unfair it is to have to save up for a self-funded "maternity leave," and how compromising it is to train somebody to do your job, when you know you need the financial security more than ever. But I highlighted that blogpost, and pressed delete.

Nothing else seems to matter quite as much as the excitement and anticipation I feel about meeting our daughter and kissing her cheeks. I CANNOT WAIT TO HOLD HER! And dress her! And kiss her all over! And stare at her! And think about where she's come from while memorizing her every facial detail! I can't wait to know what color her hair is, what color her eyes are, what her SMILE looks like, and if she has a dimple?!?! I can't wait to see if she looks like me or George, or a mix of us both! I am so excited to love on our DAUGHTER! ANY DAY NOW!

Seems like YESTERDAY that I saw those two pink lines. And now, the days are crawling by at the slowest pace yet. She can't get here soon enough!!!!

She could come tomorrow and be considered "full term." What a blessing. The end of pregnancy is in sight, and the beginning of a new chapter is about to begin.

Her carseat is assembled and ready to go. It clicks in the stroller, also assembled and ready! Thanks, Papa G. He's been such a great daddy already!

I donned my birthing gown today after work and have decided I'll be living in this for the next couple months. Unbelievable comfort, and nothing else fits anymore anyway. I can't believe I thought I was showing at 12-16 weeks. When I see other bump pics on social media sites, I chuckle to myself. Of course when you start off very petite, the tiniest fat pad on your lower abdomen FEELS like you're "showing." But when you have a globe on your frontside, you REALLY start to feel like Mother Earth! Round, full of life, and ultra feminine. 

Four drawers filled with clothes. I adore her outfits so far! Equal Rights, Texas Rangers, OU, Grateful Dead, Democrat Donkey....and tons of pink and bling. Thanks to hand-me-downs (mainly from Crystal, one of my favorite all-time co-workers) and generous gifts from friends and family, we are set on clothes!!!!!

The cutest little shoes. She also has some jellies, and black patent leather Mary Janes. 

In my old high school bedroom. My vanity is now a changing table! And her bassinet is beside my old bed. Everything feels nostalgic and new, simultaneously. 

We moved out of our rent house, and moved in with my parents. We were supposed to close on a house on March 27th, but it was a short sale, and fell through. Our lease ended at the end of the month, and while it was disappointing initially, I must say, I feel a huge relief living with my family. I'm surrounded by constant support. 

I wasn't as emotional as I was expecting, moving out of this house. Maybe it was because I was just ready to feel more relaxed (I HATE transitions!), or maybe it was because I didn't do much of the moving. I'm very grateful to George's parents for helping him so much. He gradually moved throughout the week, but they showed up that last weekend and did WORK on that house. Meanwhile, I finally got to indulge in the "nesting" phase, while I unpacked our clothes, toiletries, and countless baby shower gifts into my old high school bedroom and bathroom. 

We are ready to meet you and show you the world, Sweet Lil Sprout! Come on OUT!!!!!

The Farm, The Clot, and The Due Date.

Before I was ready to have children, I watched "The Business of Being Born," a fascinating documentary about the medicalization of birth in this country. Ina May Gaskin, legendary midwife, was in this film, sharing her experiences with natural birth in her community, dubbed "The Farm." This community was founded in the 70's by a group of cross-country-caravaning-hippies from the Haight-Ashbury district in San Francisco. The Farm is much less populated today, but people still travel from across the country to see it, mainly because of the midwives. While the United States has a 30-35% c-section rate, The Farm has less than 2%. They have helped women birth over 2,000 babies in their 40 years of existence. The statistics are quite impressive.

I have been wanting to go to "The Farm" since the day I found out I was pregnant. I had dreams of visiting Ina May, her community, and having one last road trip with George. After a garage sale, penny-pinching, and random blessings falling into our lap, we were able to make the roadtrip happen. 

We left at 5:30 in the morning last Tuesday, and arrived that evening. Sweet George didn't even sleep until we were in the car...he worked until late Monday night, then when he got home, tidied up the place and packed. He's been exerting so much energy both at work and at home lately. He really sacrificed a lot to make this trip happen for us, even though it was mainly my prerogative to abandon responsibility for a few days and take a road-trip to Tennessee. 

I really loved driving east into the sunrise on Tuesday, and driving west into the sunset on Thursday. I turned my phone on Airplane Mode, and used the map I printed off prior to leaving. I had a playlist ready to go. I had been looking forward to this trip, unsure if we were even going to be able to pull it off, for months. The music in the speakers, combined with the sunrise ahead of me and my sleeping man beside me, brought tears to my eyes. After being on a stretch of highway for a while, and right as the sky was beginning to light up on the horizon, Animal Collective's, "What Would I Want? Sky" song came on. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a movie, and the music playing at a particular moment is the most intricately selected soundtrack. This was one of those times.

Immediately after that song was "When You Come Back Down" by Nickel Creek. My dad wrote out the lyrics to this song in a letter to me, on the day I moved into my dorm. The lyrics put a lump in my throat everytime I hear them. This trip was no different. "You gotta leave me now, you gotta go alone, you gotta chase a dream, one that's all your own, before it slips away... When you're flying high, take my heart along, I'll be the harmony to every lonely song that you learn to play... When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground, take every chance you dare, I'll still be there, when you come back down. When you come back down." During this song, I began sobbing, feeling an intense array of emotions. Finally going to a place I've yearned to see. Having a dream literally come true. Knowing that when the trip was over, we were going to move in with my parents, and have our own little baby. Grateful for George, working to make this trip happen because he knew how much it meant to me. Grateful to my parents for keeping their opinions about this trip to themselves and allowing me, even as a grown woman, to learn my own lessons. 

*(Sidenote, little did I know, I was going to come back down. Two days later. To his and my mom's house, then to the emergency clinic, with a bloodclot in my right leg.)

"Orange Sky" by Alexi Murdoch was the next song, and that was literally when the sunglasses went on. The sunrays were bright, and I was driving straight into them. The summation of perfect songs and a rising sun was transcendent. George woke up shortly after, and we continued to drive through Arkansas.

We saw signs for President Bill Clinton's childhood home, and decided to stop and check it out. Maybe it's because we are desperately wanting a home to call our own, or maybe because we both are huge fans of Bill Clinton, but regardless, we loved that place.

His childhood bedroom

My favorite part of road-tripping is stopping randomly after seeing a sign for something (could be interesting/funny/random), and experiencing something locally, without a plan to do so. 

We got back in the car and kept on driving to Tennessee. 

Many hours, bathroom breaks, and windy country roads later, I slammed on my breaks and then reversed a few feet. The entrance to The Farm was so rural, so small, and so NOT advertised...I ALMOST PASSED BY!

"Tuesday's Gone," by Lynyrd Skynyrd, began pouring out through the speakers while the wind was pouring in the open sunroof. That moment was surreal. There was a big yard with a TON of roosters and chickens in many cages to the right. To the left was the Welcome Center of The Farm. There was also a warning that the cages to the right did NOT belong to The Farm, and a word of caution to stay away...that they would call the police. We heard a gunshot right after reading the notice! We laughed, got back in the car, and continued down the windy roads. It was awesome driving down the road into the community knowing that the roads, the land, the houses, the water towers...EVERYTHING here was made BY these people, FOR these people. 

Finally Made It!!!!!

Sweet little accents made our accommodation feel enchanting and welcoming.

We stayed at a woman named Linda's house. She rents out the lower level.

We unpacked our groceries, I made dinner (another huge perk, staying here meant a refrigerator, stove, and oven, so we were able to bring and eat our own food, saving us money, and keeping us healthy), and then we spent a lot of time unwinding, stretching, and relaxing. 

The next morning, I woke up shortly after the sun started coming through the window. There are few better things in life than waking up to sounds/sights of nature, rather than an alarm clock (or soon to be crying baby). I let George sleep, had some tea and cottage cheese, and read some Ina May (the inspiration for the trip in the first place).

We then went to our prenatal appointment. We waited for a bit in the waiting room, and met a nice couple from Alabama. Apparently, home births are ILLEGAL in Alabama?! Weird. So this couple came to Tennessee for all of their prenatal visits, and plan on delivering at The Farm. They were very friendly. While we were waiting to see Pamela, we looked around at the books, brochures, and general decor. We were totally diggin' the tie-dye hippie vibe, with the professional material and undeniable statistics. 

Not long after, we got to meet with Pamela. She is an absolute delight. So calm, so pleasant, and so naturally in her element as a Farm Midwife. She was also in the documentary I was obsessed with, and I read about her a lot in "Spiritual Midwifery," one of Ina May Gaskin's books. I read that as a teen, she was unfamiliar with midwifery (other than what her minister had explained to her), and very involved in her youth group. She strongly valued hard work, God, and family. Her parents sent her to San Francisco in 1965. She describes her experience, "There were hippies with flowers in their hair everywhere. They looked pretty and had fun and seemed to share a lot of the same ideals that were strong in my mind, so I became a hippy, too." (Pamela's Bio) Her story is so inspiring.

I instantly felt comfortable with her. We told her why we wanted to come, and she tested my urine, measured my fundal height, told me the position of the baby (head down, yay!!!), and listened to the heartbeat with the doppler. She measured me at 36 weeks, and told me I looked 'very pregnant,' more so than the 33 weeks I thought to be. We tried to figure out my due date based on my last cycle, but I just can't remember when that was. My original sonogram due date was 5/4, and it was 5/5 at 20 weeks. Based on when we think Sprout was conceived and my fundal height, things were starting to look more like end of April.

(Thanks to George for all these great shots!!! I loved my visit with Pamela!!!)

Later that day, I explored some more of the community. It was surprisingly quiet. I caught a sweet girl off-guard when I entered the "Eco-Village." Turns out, she's the "Winter Keeper" and the only girl living in this part of The Farm right now. I probably scared her to death! I asked her if I could look around, and take pictures, and she was very sweet and welcoming. We ended up talking for a while and became friends. Then she went on about her day, and I went on about exploring.

"The Wholeo" Stained Glass Globe

The next morning, George and I packed up and began driving back home. We wanted to take a more scenic route, and go through a few states we'd never seen. We went through Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana. We stopped in Tupelo, MS and got some Tupelo Honey. This was the last song we danced to at our wedding, so that was a fun and meaningful souvenir. We ate at a fun local diner, with pictures of Elvis everywhere.  We stopped a lot, actually. I drank so much water, and went to the bathroom often. I made sure to stretch my legs at each stop. 

I specify, because the next day (Friday), I was shocked I had developed a bloodclot in my right leg. 

I was shocked because:

(a) I'm generally very healthy. I've never had surgery, never been admitted to a hospital,

and

(b) I put forth so much effort in PREVENTING the bloodclot. I felt like most people wouldn't have been as conscientious stopping, stretching, heel-pumping, and water-gulping. 

But I had an epiphany, and it was indeed a great learning moment for me.

In order to "surprisingly" find out you're pregnant, you ARE healthy. 

And I know that the three BIGGEST risk factors for developing a blood clot are pregnancy (estrogen makes you clot...another risk factor is being on birth control), travel, and smoking. I don't smoke, but I had 2 of the 3 on board. I was in the car 12 hours on Tuesday, and 14 on Thursday. Getting the bloodclot didn't mean I wasn't healthy...it affirmed that I AM healthy enough to get pregnant, and I am NOT invincible to risk. 

I felt a pain in my right calf Friday morning. I went to my mom and dad's, and enjoyed coffee on the patio with my mom and sister. I told them about the pain, but as a few hours went by, I became more obsessive about it. I called my midwife, and she was out of town (bummer!!!!!!!), but the OBGYN on call told me to take an aspirin a day for a week.

What?!

My gut told me to go to the emergency clinic by their house. It would be $150 which would set us back financially, but I knew that if it was a clot, it could be lethal. I knew the exact test I needed, an ultrasound of my right leg, to determine if there was or was not a clot. If there wasn't a clot, it would be an expensive cost for peace of mind, but worth it.

After the ultrasound, the ER doc came in the room and told me it was a DVT, and I was being admitted to the hospital I plan to deliver. I was surprisingly happy at first, because I had a gut feeling and I listened to it, and I was right! But then I realized the severity of the situation, and became more concerned.

WTF 

There was a lot of miscommunication at the hospital. Another lesson I learned? YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. Speak up. At all times. Otherwise you will end up paying more money... (I almost had to go to the ER at Lewisville Medical, but I insisted the emergency clinic had called ahead with a room for me as  a direct-admit. Had I not been insistent about this, I would have had to pay that $150 ER fee twice!!!)... and could potentially receive improper medical treatment.

The internist almost hung a bag of Heparin on my IV (the strongest anti-coagulant I'm aware of). Keep in mind I haven't had an ASPIRIN in 8 months for fear of what it would do to the baby. So this seemed very extreme, but I also thought at this point that I could die, and that was the main priority.

The radiologist had a different diagnosis than the ER doctor, and it turned out to work in my favor. The clot was superficial, not deep, so I didn't have to have the Heparin. I received a total of (3) Lovenox (blood thinning) shots. The next morning, they did a scan on both legs, and the clot was gone. The pain was gone, too. They also did continuous fetal monitoring and an ultrasound. Baby checked out good.

She did, however, measure at 5.5 pounds, and 35 weeks (instead of the 33 I thought I was). That meant if I went to 40 weeks exactly, the due date would be 4/20 instead of 5/5. I looked at a calendar, and there is a full moon on 4/25, so THAT IS MY OFFICIAL GUESS. April 25, still a Taurus, 10 days ahead of what we planned, and 1 month from now. 

So there it is. A super long blog post with a title reminiscent of "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe." The Farm was my Aslan, The Clot was my White Witch, and Sprout's Due Date is the Wardrobe. I can't believe I'm about to cross over into parenthood. I'm grateful for our last pre-baby adventure, even with the clot. I learned a lot. I was afraid my mom was going to say "I told you that trip wasn't a good idea!" but she didn't. She said something to the extent of, "The insistent part of you that listened to your heart and brought you out on that trip, was the same part of you that listened to your gut and got you to the hospital." She was proud of me for going with my instincts. 

I've heard instincts improve drastically with motherhood. 

Maybe I'm well on my way. 

xoxo,

L