Of course, I get distracted...the barking dogs...the needy kitty cat begging to be pet...and never mind my racing mind...each thought, I turned into an image and project that image onto a cloud...then watch it float by....
...finally, I hit the transcendental meditative state.
These moments are few and far between, but when they occur, I feel I have experienced Heaven, or Nirvana, while in this physical body. It is unexplainable, and only relatable to those who have also done it. And when I talk about it with those people, I instantly feel a deep bond, because I know we're vibrating on the same frequency.
Most of the time, when I have an "aha moment" or an epiphany, it is because I read something, or heard something that changed my way of thinking. Most recently, however, the epiphany has felt so authentic, and originated without a precursor. I believe this is a message from God//Spirit//Intuition, vocabulary doesn't matter. The message is original and Divine, and I'm hoping it resonates with other people...
There is an ever-present spectrum of security and freedom, and we choose at any given time where we want to be.
Floating in the middle, for me, is a very peaceful place.
When I was in High School, I was very active in FCA and Young Life. I was your typical Texas Christian. I believed "Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior" because that meant I was going to heaven. I had SECURITY in my religion.
But that religion came with dogma, and rules. And like any club with exclusivity, to be "included" meant somebody had to be "on the outside." Whether it's a sorority making cuts in who they select for the pledge class, or a college choosing applicants and not just accepting everybody, I realized that traditional Christianity was a club that opened the door to any willing person, but once you were in, you were aware of who as "out." There were rules that I was self-righteously abiding by, and believing in, but none the less, this mentality came with very little life freedom.
While in college, I found my own spirituality, and felt very free. I didn't believe that a hypothetical God would create the Universe, and create gay people, only to combat homosexuality. I didn't believe God would cure some people of diseases, but not others. I started to see the world through a much more Universal lens. As my beliefs of God and Heaven began to disintegrate ((or evolve, to be more positive)), I must be honest that I felt a lack of security. It was nerve-wracking thinking that the Heaven I had pictured myself going to might be a little different...if there was even such thing as Heaven, at all!
When I make time to meditate and spend time with Spirit, I feel peace, and I feel myself floating in the middle of this freedom//security spectrum. I feel God, and I feel that I am a part of God. I am free to believe and experience God in my own way, but I feel the security that there is a Force larger than me, and larger than this life.
A few weeks ago, my "aha moment" went even deeper...
I realized my dad has always given me the perfect combination of freedom and security. And then I realized, George has too. And I realized how important it is for me to parent and nurture my daughter in the middle of this spectrum.
- My dad encouraged me to try new things in college...to take that roadtrip I was on the fence about, and to invite my professor over for dinner. Enjoy the experiences. And I knew, just like in the song he wrote out for me, he would be my steady ground when I came back home.
- My husband is happy for me on my days off. My "mental health days," hehe. Days like today, when I have the nanny, but have the day off, and I can take my time at the grocery store, meditate, enjoy a yoga class, blog...just have some "me time." He doesn't hold it against me that I get these days, and he is at work. He also is the least jealous person in the world. He is trusting of me, and allows me a lot of space to grow into my own identity. He also works every day, and puts this roof above my head. And we enjoy a lot of daily routines together, providing me with the sense of security I so desperately need.
- I want to allow Lilah Grace to form her own opinions and thoughts, and become her own person. I don't want a "mini me." Of course, seeing her nose scrunch while she gives out a hearty laugh makes my heart soar, knowing this is a Lindsay-ism. But I want her to have her own favorite color ((which I think is purple these days)). I want her to have her own favorite shows, books, and political views. I want her to be free in her pursuit of self, but I also insist on building a strong foundation, grounding her, and blessing her with security that only comes from a strong family. I want her to know I will always be here for her, whether she is proud or ashamed. Whether she is ahead of the curve or behind, and whether she perceives things like I do or not...I want her to know I respect her, and I respect her right to be here. I recited to her just today, on the way to the nanny, one of my favorite life mantras from Desiderata...
"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."
Yesterday, our little angel threw the biggest fit I've ever seen. It was so alarming, I wondered if she was physically ill. Multiple times, I brought her in close to me, and asked her calmly what was upsetting her? And could she "use her words" to tell mama what was frustrating her? She wanted nothing to do with me. She flailed on the floor, kicked her legs, screamed, and arched her back. Her limbs looked discolored from the lack of bloodflow. It was frightening. I told her that we each needed some alone time, and placed her in the crib. She was livid. Fortunately, the fit passed. I'm not sure if I handled it "perfectly," but I think I got a bigger life lesson, which is I'm not always going to know what to do. I will always try to be patient and loving, and if I know that is wearing out, I will separate myself ((knowing she is safe, of course, from physical harm!)).
I'm kind of nervous for the "terrible twos" as she is only 16 months right now!
...I am grateful for the Lord//God//Universe giving me ample freedom and comfortable security. I'm grateful to the leading men in my life for modeling the same way of loving, despite not articulating it until now. And, I hope to provide the same structure for my daughter. If we had no security, we would be free...and likely, anxious. If we had no freedom, we would be secure...and likely, stagnant.