Pastor Rob Bell is one of my favorite teachers. TIME magazine put him on their 100 Most Influential People list. He's a young + progressive pastor, founder of the Mars Hill Bible Church, and best-selling author.
He and his wife, Kristen ((no, not that Kristen Bell)), wrote a book ((ZimZum of Love)) that I can't wait to read. I saw them talking about it with my favorite lady, Oprah. I literally took notes.
Zimzum is a Hebrew word that represents the space God created outside of Himself in order to make room for the Universe. It means the energetic space between two people, that is contracting and expanding for one another, and because of one another.
Their philosophy is that both partners should make a conscious decision to create space outside of themselves in order to make room for the other and to prioritize their life together.
Something I realized I can be better at in my marriage is the scorecard. For example, "I'm not going to pick up your clothes because I always pick up your clothes. You're a grown man, put them in the hamper." Good "zimzum" can't thrive with a scorecard mentality. When you are "keeping score," you are withholding love + good energy, and waiting on your partner. That stalls the zimzum, or keeps the momentum from building.
However, disassociating with the ego, and wanting to make your partner happy, builds up the momentum. It weakens personal ego and strengthens the union of your partnership. This is one area where G really crushes it. He is such a giver. He always rubs my lower back when we hug, he dishes out compliments to me left and right, and brings me coffee in bed every day. I just think it's all about intention. Because if he did these things to score points, they would be to strengthen his ego. The energy between us would be different. He just does this naturally, and selflessly. In that regard, I strive to be more like him. Not because I want to "even the score," but because I want to keep the momentum in our zimzum goin' strong. The GOAL isn't to be a "better wife" ((strengthening my ego)), I want to drop the scorecard//competition, and give selflessly because the energy between us will strengthen. I want to keep up with the laundry, clean the dishes, and cook our food, without pointing these out to him to get a pat on the back ((current habit of mine that is totally annoying and that I'm working on)).
So, G and I fight. I know there are some couples out there who say they just never fight, but yeah, we definitely fight. But there is a good way to fight, and I want to continually get better. I felt a mental shift when I heard this line:
"Assume your partner is seeing something you don't. When you get married, you gain a second set of eyes."
Usually in the heat of the moment, I want to show my perspective to G, because I'm convinced I'm right, and he could learn from me. Hehe. That sounds so snarky and rude ((but it's truthful))!!! Since I'm neutral now, I can realize that mentality is super-micro. If I zoom out, and take a way more macro point of view ((and yes, it's new-agey and philosophical, but if you read my blog you know that's my style, so whatever)), I want my LIFE to be a RICH human experience. I want to do as much, learn as much, and experience as much as I can. By being married to George, I have the unique advantage of seeing the world through not only my eyes//perspective, but also his. And now, with LG, I also see the world through her eyes! Which gives me a much bigger view on life. This emotional maturity helps me connect to a much broader range of personalities. That's an incredible gift! Even though I may disagree with the way G sees a particular situation, being willing to see the world through his point of view only makes me wiser and smarter.
Tangible example if all of this is too wordy-
I have a tendency to be wordy ((obviously)). I'll skirt around my point in an attempt to be polite and well liked. I think some people appreciate that in me, and I think with some people, it's necessary. Sometimes George's straight-to-the-point comments strike me initially as rude. But I can see that through his perspective, he is respecting the other person's time by not BSing, and just saying what he thinks. As a result, I have gotten better at hearing curt comments directed toward me. My skin has thickened, and now, with the appropriate people, I can even speak similarly.
So, Dave Matthews kind of coined the phrase "The Space Between," but really, I think the zimzum is all about the space between. Is there too much space between us ((distance, exhaustion)), too much overlap ((losing personal identities, goals, and friendships outside of the marriage)), or is it just right? When it's "just right," the zimzum energy is flowin'. That space is SACRED. Being a power couple isn't about having status, money, or power over society. It's about that sacred energetic space between two people.
I know all relationships have ups and downs. I know we will have off days and tough times. And now that I've published this post, I'm fairly certain at some point, it will come back to bite me in the butt, when I'm not being true to myself and ego has taken over. I think subconsciously, I want that, because I really do want to keep getting better. Luckily, when ego pops up in either of us, and the other one can neutrally and lovingly bring us back to our true self, love wins. I am grateful for our spiritual partnership, friendship, and chemistry. We fight and love passionately. I'm so thankful to get to co-create a life with you."Grace is when you know you're loved exactly as you are." Thank you, George, for showing me so much grace over the past 10 years.