Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dear Lilah Grace, My Valentine...

Sweet Lilah Grace,

Right now you are FINALLY napping. You usually go down so perfectly and sweetly, it's about time you start giving me a tough time. I think it's because your first TOP tooth is coming in! I put some frozen blueberries in mesh and let you nom on that, but you weren't really into it. I gave you some teething tablets, and finally, Tylenol, and now you're getting the rest that you've been stubbornly fighting but desperately need. I see your inner Taurus starting to emerge :)

Papa G is out of town right now, and you woke up last night around 2:20 and couldn't seem to go back down. I brought you in bed with me, and though you tried to play for about 20 minutes, you finally slept with me, interlocked, until about 7:30 this morning. What a sweet way for me to wake up. 

I absolutely live for Wednesdays and Fridays. These are my days "off" (I say that in quotations, because some day, when/if you have children, you'll learn that days not at a physical workplace are still days of hard work, but the absolute sweetest and most rewarding kind). Just like in your newborn phase, we do not have a strict schedule. I know you need a morning nap and an afternoon nap to be happy and alert. But we don't go to sleep at certain times. You eat when you're hungry. We change you when you need changing. And we play in between. Everything and everybody else comes second to you. Fortunately, all of our friends and family members are very accommodating and understand. We play each day by ear. Honestly, I am most content when there are zero plans for the day, and we can live it spontaneously, just the two of us. I am very excited for the weather to warm up so we can resume our daily walks. We have been staying in a lot lately with this winter weather. 

I hope to go to Home Depot with you when you wake up today, and get some seeds to start an indoor herb garden, and some seedlings to transfer to our garden that we will hopefully start in our new yard! We will have so much fun this summer. I remember last summer walking to various community pools with you, both of us adorned in our sun hats, and spending time just wading in the cool water, with no concept of time or worry. Just the two of us. I will forever cherish memories made with you, and the countless memories to come. We are just getting started.

You have my heart in a way that I can't articulate. When you smile at me, I've never felt such an unconditional love. When I make you laugh, I feel on top of the world. Now you say "mama" (finally! I was 2 weeks after "dada"...it's okay, I know you're going to be a daddy's girl, just like I was...) and when those syllables come out of your perfectly shaped mouth, beneath your beautiful little Cupid's bow...my heart feels like it leaps out of my chest. "Yes! I'm your mama!" I say enthusiastically back at you, our eyes connected, and grins both growing laterally in sync. 

I know there will be a point in time, when as a new mom, I'll feel vulnerable and unsure of myself, but I am so blessed because I feel such a connection with you, I have felt confident in my ability to love and care for you since the moment I held you in my arms. In every other area of my life, I have felt scared and unsure of myself, at the starting point, until I gain confidence. The way you love me has alleviated any potential fears. Sure, I have fears surrounding your safety, health, and well being....those are intense! I think I'll have those for the rest of my life. But I do not fear my ability to mother you. I was very nervous about becoming a mom when you were inside my tummy. I had such a wonderful mom, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it as well as she did, and I would let you down. But you're different than I was as a baby (you're much better, apparently!), and I'm different than she was, and yet we share the same blood and came from one another like little Russian dolls. You have shown me that I'm mothering you the way you need to be mothered, which I imagine is different for every child. For not being able to speak, you do an excellent job of communicating. 

You and I have loved before this lifetime, I am sure of it. The love is so instinctual, so automatic, there is no way it could have begun on your birthday. I loved you way before you were born, when I was a little girl, and played house, with my favorite dolls. You are my real-life doll, and I am living out a fantasy, because of you and your sweet, loving, hard-working daddy. Most Wednesdays and Fridays, I have to remind myself this is real life. It feels too good to be true. 

I often gush about how much I love you...and it's true, I love you more than I knew I could love. But, I must admit, even though I'm a grown woman, I feel so dependent on love from you. I need it. I crave it. And I love being loved by you. If I work late on Mondays and don't get to spend much time with you, I feel a void, and get irritable. I need time with you, my sweet baby. You do such a good job loving everybody in your life. It's obvious you came from a place of love, because you brought it down to this Earth plane when you made your arrival on May 6th. We are so much better because of you.

I constantly look at your pictures and videos. I keep a lot on my phone, and there are thousands on the computer. This blog will make it easy to reference later down the road, when/if this computer dies, and/or we don't feel like digging through so many thousands of photos. 

This Valentine's Day will be the sweetest yet. You are a manifestation of the love your daddy and I share. You're our little hummingbird, and came down to this Earth with a purpose! You WANTED to be here before you arrived, and we all see why. You illuminate our lives. I've never felt more proud or joyful in my life...you are quite literally, my pride and joy. And our Valentine. You are so loved, by so many.

You're doing a great job at being a baby. Keep growing, keep changing, keep loving. I will grow, change, and love, right alongside you.


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