The Way I ((try to)) Communicate With Lilah Grace at 1 1/2

Lilah Grace has been charming me to no end with her cute new antics. She's between 17-18 months, so basically a year and a half. LOVING this phase. She sleeps solidly from 7:45 or 8pm until 7 am, and takes either 2 naps or 1 long nap each day. She eats normal foods that we do ((the only foods she hasn't tried are honey and shellfish)), and is running around in our backyard MULTIPLE times each day. She loves sidewalk chalk (("tok-EE")), markers (("MAH-kuh")), and every single book she can get her hands on.

Usually, our evening routine consists of a bath, then reading a couple books, followed by "rock-EE rock-EE" in the rocking chair ((the same one my mom used to rock me in!)), then putting her in bed with her favorite stuffed animals. She is OBSESSED with bunnies (("BUH-ee")) and Jingles (("JEEK-uhl")), the jingly stuffed dog that George used to cuddle as a baby. The pink jingly bunny was from Mimi and GrandDad, and the brown bunny was from Cousins Molly and Lucas in Cape May. She also has a white bunny puppet from Grandmama that she loves ((especially when Grandmama personifies the puppet and asks LG for a high five!)). Cousin Allie gave her a beanie baby bunny at my sister's wedding last weekend, and that has quickly become one of her favs as well. ALL OF THE BUNNIES.

When we rock, I usually sing the same songs to her...

"Lullaby"
"When You Come Back Down"

((^I usually cry while singing those two songs...lullaby time is cathartic for me; it is not only a gift to my daughter, it's also a gift to myself))

"You Are My Sunshine"
and
"Blackbird"

She recently started lifting up my shirt, pointing out my bellybutton, then her bellybutton, then laying her head right on my bare chest, with my shirt pulled taut over her. She'll sometimes sneak her head out the collar and look at me real quick, then rush back to her comfortable little nook.

Last night after I sang "Blackbird," while she was snuggled tight against my heart, then she did her sign language for "more" and then adorably said "BAK-bur".

SHE SAID "MORE BLACKBIRD."

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Not only that, she sang along in her own little way. She would repeat "blackbird" and "broken" (("take these broken wings")) while I was singing. She asked for it over and over. She has a favorite lullaby! I love discovering her preferences. Her personality is truly emerging before our very eyes.

This morning, she woke up a little earlier than usual, and for some reason I was already up...just scrolling through Instagram in bed. I made my own coffee, scooped her out of bed, and took her for a sunrise walk. No stroller, no burley, just the two of us. I pointed to the sky and showed her how it was darker in the west, and starting to become orange and pink in the east. I told her the sun was rising now, and will continue to rise every single day ((I saved the global warming and//or nuclear weapons talk for another day)). We collected leaves, and admired the trees, birds, crickets, and ducks. She was mesmerized while patting the trunk of one particular tree, then said "boo boo" when her fingers came upon a piece of missing bark. I told her that "yes, the tree has a boo boo, why don't you kiss it and make it feel better?" and she did. She is such a special, loving angel baby.

I'm trying ((operative word: try...as in, maybe 25% of the time with a goal of "more often"...full disclosure, I'm writing about my "best parenting moments," but I fall short a lot and there are definitely moments where I'm not so present! They just aren't as fun to look back on!!))...I digress. I'm TRYING to be more conscious with my vocabulary and my presence. Subtle changes in the way I present the world to her might not even be noticed by some ((including her)) but on an energetic level I think I'm helping her to retain as much of that pure spiritual energy she brought down with her when she was born. I know that every human is born perfect, just a little ball of pure divine energy... and as we learn language and begin to limit objects with labels, and learn prejudice, hate, fear, and judgment, we eventually become jaded. Since Lilah Grace's vocabulary is exploding right now, I'm trying to be very aware of the way I speak to her.

That sounds very theoretical. Here are some real life examples:

"That is a tree" teaches Lilah the label, "tree." That's fine if my goal is to teach her labels for objects. I think that's the status quo for parenting. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing spiritual about it, either.

"We call that a tree" teaches her that the word "tree" is just a word; the actual living, growing, majestic creature coming from the ground and reaching toward the sky is MUCH greater than the word, but that's just what we call it.

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These are teachings from my all time favorite book, "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I have found that motherhood is taking me to deeper spiritual levels than I've ever gone, and I'm loving it. I read this book in 2008 and am re-reading it now, and am learning completely new lessons.

Another example I realized last night...

I think she is getting very close to being able to say "I love you." That will be such an exciting day!!! But I don't want her to be a parrot just repeating what I tell her. I want her to know what love feels like. I don't want her to just say it because I said it! That would definitely be cute, but meaningless.

So, last night, I asked her for the first time,

"Lilah, what does love feel like?"

This could be coincidence ((even though I don't believe in coincidences)), but her response melted me like a stick of hot butter.

"Da-da."

OMG. She's a daddy's girl just like me.

With tears in my eyes, I told her, "Yes! Dada loves you. So does Mama. And Binky, and Papa, and Grandmama, and GrandDad," blah blah.

Then, I said,
"This is what love feels like" and squeezed her while kissing her.

I want her to know what love feels like before she says "I love you."
That goes for me, and for future romantic partners!

I think one spiritual lesson I'm learning now, and will probably be learning for a couple decades at least, is not to idolize our baby. Umm, I totally do. I worship her like the goddess that she is! But I know inevitably she is human and will at some point disappoint me, and I don't want her to fall 500,000 feet off her pedestal when she does. I'm not too hard on myself for this; I'm just aware of it, and I think that's enough for now.

For all the parents out there, were there subtle shifts in your language that you noticed when you began conversing with your kids ((other than cleaning up the 'ol potty mouth))? Have you felt a spiritual growth while parenting? If you don't have kids, do you remember being a child, before you felt the limitations of language? Feel free to respond privately! You can contact me by clicking "contact" at the very top of this page.

xo,
L

Chalkboard Paint...a wonderful $3.76 investment

This post requires zero explanation...hopefully just motivates! I'm all about those cheap DIY's! Chalkboard spray paint FTW!!!!

A piece of trash has turned into a cute storage container!

Now her little dog figurines have a home!

I also spraypainted just the regular white//clear plastic storage bins. Now I can change the labels whenever we reorganize her playroom! And it looks much cuter, too!

The cleanest this room has ever looked.

"Are You Working IN or OUT Of The Home Today?"-My Super Sweet Feminist Husband.

A few months ago, on any given morning, George would ask, "Are you workin' today?" and without hesitation, I would tell him "yes" or "no" and then flash him a smile. I never thought twice about it, but apparently, he did.

One particular morning, I noticed a shift in the way he asked the question. "Are you working in or out of the home today?"

I smiled first.

Then answered, "in the home today."

It was a moment that I will always remember. Of course, it doesn't compare to events like our wedding, or the birth of our daughter, but I honestly will treasure that day, and that conscious shift, which I didn't even request.

I am one of the luckiest girls on the planet, because most of my days begin with my hard-working husband getting out of bed, and bringing me a cup of coffee and our daughter. We all snuggle, and then while she eats breakfast and watches one of her shows, I get some quiet time in.

On days when I work "outside of the home," I get up around 5 or 5:15, and don't see our baby. I still have my quiet time, and still enjoy my coffee. Then, I typically enjoy my work shift, with my fun co-workers, executing RN duties, and feeling grateful for my education which allows me to work part-time and still make a substantial income.

 

I work part-time as an operating room nurse for one surgeon. When he is out of town, or operating at a hospital other than our office, I don't get hours. That means I get to enjoy the time off, but it also means my hourly paychecks suffer. Fortunately, George's job spots me, and while we don't live anywhere near the realm of excess, we get by comfortably when we focus on what makes us happy. Feeding the ducks with LG, riding our bikes//Burley, binging on Netflix in our bed, or sometimes just good heart-to-heart conversations. Those are the best.

 

When I have weeks with 0 or 1 shift, I feel conflicted, but am trying to feel satisfied. The first week that went by with zero hours, I loved it. I even thought I could do the whole stay-at-home mom bit. But we pay for the nanny whether or not we use her, so after week 2, when I realized I was a stay-at-home "wife," I started to feel like I wasn't contributing enough.

I told George, I wanted to do home improvement projects to feel productive, but so often those cost money, which I'm not currently making. So, I added bead-board to our kitchen wall. Then, I painted a wall. I made a couple hanging plants on firewood. I painted shelves that have never matched our living room. I felt really happy and fulfilled on those days.

Even something as simple as spray-painting the red shelves black make me feel productive. Small victories. Hehe.

What made me feel the best, more than any home improvement project, or yoga class, or even solitary shower ((mamas out there know that a solitary shower without a time restraint is a total luxury))...was George's warm embrace, kind eyes, and encouraging words. He reiterated that he couldn't pursue his career without my support. I handle all the finances, bills, mail, home organization, laundry, groceries, etc...and he appreciates it. Truly! And he tells me all the time! I feel really grateful to be with a man who goes out and makes the bacon, loves what he does, and still thanks me for what I do...even when it's not making money.

I have to remind myself that it's okay to be really happy. I think throughout the pregnancy, I was so worried about how we were going to make it, I still feel residual anxiety when I look around at our house, and realize I've made no money on that given day. I try to compensate by making something. If not money, allowing my artistic side to create something. But if a day goes by where I've made nothing, my ego starts chipping away at my self-esteem.

But, I won't let my ego get the best of me. For the longest time, I felt afraid of how happy I was. Like at the drop of a hat, it could all go away and be taken from me. I think the idea is pure + good....it stems from the notion "don't take anything for granted." I still think like that. But if I let that worry become more powerful than the present gratitude and happiness, it rips my current moment away.

I also have had to tell the rebellious feminist in me to pipe down at times. For so long, I made more money than George, and I felt power in that position. I still want women to make equal pay for equal work. So I guess, there's a subconscious ((now becoming more conscious)) part of me that feels like I'm the "beta" partner now, or the "submissive" partner now, or the "traditional female role" now, or I don't know...just...it's different. But if I get real, I can admit, I've NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. And fortunately, I have a feminist husband who asks me if I'm working "in or out of the home." I mean, I should seriously just count my freakin' blessings. At times I feel like I have it all, and then that part of me starts to worry it could all be taken away in a second.

So, self-talk.

Today was a great day, and I don't take it for granted. Yesterday was awesome, and I think tomorrow will be really great, too. I just really love life right now. 

I have a great family ((the one I was born in to, and the one I chose...here's lookin' at you, Papa G...)) They make my life sweet.

xo,
L

Adult Acne Post-Breastfeeding...My ((No Longer)) Secret Weapons

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time. I'm hoping it can help out some women out there.

In high school, I went on Accutane, which is arguably the most aggressive form of acne treatment. You pretty much sign your life and your future-unborn-children's life away. After 7 months of an intense pharmacological regimen, my acne cleared up.

I had occasional break outs in my 20's, but when I quit nursing LG, my face looked worse than you could possibly imagine. I was so mortified, I truly hated leaving the house. I couldn't go anywhere without putting on makeup, which made for quite the conundrum since I knew make up made it worse.

I tried natural first, obviously. Altering my diet. Not eating processed foods, not eating dairy. These methods really frustrated me because they did not work, and meanwhile I became even more grumpy giving up foods I liked. I also found myself irritated because when I wasn't eating some of these foods, people assumed it was to lose weight, and reassured me that I looked fine. I wasn't eating like that to lose weight, I was trying to clear up my face! And it wasn't working.

THE MOST AGGRAVATING COMMENTS that I heard multiple times were...

"Do you wash your face every night?"

and
 
"Do you sleep with your make up on?"

OMG. Rude. So rude. If they only knew, I washed my make up off FIRST, with a Clarisonic brush, then washed my face with an acne cleanser, then used various topical ointments. I tried using a sunlamp to dry out my skin. I have the best access to skin care products working in plastic surgery, and I used everything I knew.

But my skin had never looked, or felt, worse. The deep, cystic acne was humiliating and painful.

FINALLY, I saw a dermatologist. Dr. Kodali in Colleyville. She changed my world.

She put me on two oral prescriptions and two topical prescriptions. My hormones were completely out of whack. Pregnancy, especially the third trimester, and nursing, overload your body with estrogen, which was actually great for my skin, hair, and nails. When I stopped breastfeeding, and the estrogen depleted, I had entirely too much testosterone.

ALDACTONE. That drug was a miracle worker for me. 50mg is a common dose, and the dose I started on. I got up to 200mg/day. I'm now happy to say I'm off the drug completely. The only side effect I had was dizziness when I stood up, because it actually lowers your blood pressure a bit. I wasn't bothered by this at all. TAKING BIRTH CONTROL on time, every day, is extremely important while on this medication because not only does it enhance the acne-clearing results, but if you become pregnant, this drug will feminize a male fetus. It's an anti-androgen, so it blocks androgen ((ie: testosterone)) receptors. If your acne is not hormonally-based, this will not help you.

DOXYCYCLINE. This drug is an antibiotic. I took 100mg/day. It did make my stomach a little queasy, but it was fine as long as I ate food with it. Again, not a major side effect. I didn't like the idea of being on antibiotics for a long time, and neither did Dr. Kodali. I was off the antibiotic within a couple months.

ACZONE + ZIANA. These two creams I still use at night. Aczone is amazing because it doesn't dry my skin, like so many other products have in the past.


The oral pills are super cheap because generic is available. The topical creams I purchased from DFW Wellness Pharmacy, and they hook it up with coupon upon coupon, so my total was $25 each, and each tube lasts 3 months.

For somebody who has been there, with this horrible hormonal acne, you know that diet, hygiene, and various OTC acne regimens just do not work. Acne took a major toll on my self esteem. IT'S MY FACE! I found myself looking down, avoiding eye contact, and avoiding social situations out of embarrassment. I hated caking on the make-up before leaving the house.

I'm thrilled to say that for the past couple months my face has been 100% clear, and I feel like myself again.

If you live in the DFW area, I recommend Dr. Kodali! If not, ask your primary care or dermatologist about these 4 meds and hopefully you will see improvement, too.

A Baby Blessing

We received the sweetest book from our Aunt Mary when Lilah Grace was born, and we read it to her often. I absolutely love the words, and the timeless images. I wanted to share these words, with credit given to Welleran Poltarnees, as the words are not mine. They are so perfectly expressed, I just want to share them with the world. I find that reading this book while holding my baby give me more peace than I've ever known. It's a wonderful prayer!

((The only change I have made is "it" to "her," as the book is gender-neutral.))

I here bless this baby, newly arrived, wishing for her all the good things I here invoke, and others beyond my imaginings. 

May the spirits of grace attend her coming, and may angels guide her flowering.

  

Let this child be held and warmed, made secure in this strange new world.

When this baby first opens her eyes, may the face she first looks upon be filled with love.

I pray that she be welcomed by many, loved by many, and known by a myriad of private and gentle names.

When this baby looks beyond the faces of her family, let her look upon a room where beauty reigns. Let there be shapely toys waiting to be touched into life, and a window with a view of the world outside.

I wish for this child to know early in life the hugeness of trees, the cold kiss of snowflakes, and the softness of rain.

 

 

May this small life be made rich with music. Let there be songs on waking, happy songs at play, and gentle songs at night.

 

Let this baby's sleep be peaceful, and may she sail back each morning filled with the memory of sweet dreams.

May play fill this young life as she blossoms, so that she may come to enjoy solitude as much as shared joy.

I hope that there are many animal companions, each teaching gentleness, playfulness, and kinship.

May this young body grow fully, move freely, breathe deeply, and see clearly.

I hope as this baby grows into childhood, that those she meets praise her freely, encouraging her fragile mystery to bloom into radiant self.

When this child grows up and has children of her own, let her never forget what it was like to be first alive and richly welcomed.

Let all those who share in this baby's growing learn from her laughter and joy.

I love you Lilah Grace. This is my prayer for you!

Love,
Mama

Security and Freedom...a spectrum.

I spread out a photo quilt that I made G years ago ((what seems like a lifetime ago, when we were just dating, long-distance...). I stretch my body out into a giant "X"...gaze up at the sky... and fill my lungs.

Inhale, Exhale.

Of course, I get distracted...the barking dogs...the needy kitty cat begging to be pet...and never mind my racing mind...each thought, I turned into an image and project that image onto a cloud...then watch it float by....
...finally, I hit the transcendental meditative state.

These moments are few and far between, but when they occur, I feel I have experienced Heaven, or Nirvana, while in this physical body. It is unexplainable, and only relatable to those who have also done it. And when I talk about it with those people, I instantly feel a deep bond, because I know we're vibrating on the same frequency.

Anyways...

Most of the time, when I have an "aha moment" or an epiphany, it is because I read something, or heard something that changed my way of thinking. Most recently, however, the epiphany has felt so authentic, and originated without a precursor. I believe this is a message from God//Spirit//Intuition, vocabulary doesn't matter. The message is original and Divine, and I'm hoping it resonates with other people...

There is an ever-present spectrum of security and freedom, and we choose at any given time where we want to be.

Floating in the middle, for me, is a very peaceful place.

When I was in High School, I was very active in FCA and Young Life. I was your typical Texas Christian. I believed "Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior" because that meant I was going to heaven. I had SECURITY in my religion.

But that religion came with dogma, and rules. And like any club with exclusivity, to be "included" meant somebody had to be "on the outside." Whether it's a sorority making cuts in who they select for the pledge class, or a college choosing applicants and not just accepting everybody, I realized that traditional Christianity was a club that opened the door to any willing person, but once you were in, you were aware of who as "out." There were rules that I was self-righteously abiding by, and believing in, but none the less, this mentality came with very little life freedom.

While in college, I found my own spirituality, and felt very free. I didn't believe that a hypothetical God would create the Universe, and create gay people, only to combat homosexuality. I didn't believe God would cure some people of diseases, but not others. I started to see the world through a much more Universal lens. As my beliefs of God and Heaven began to disintegrate ((or evolve, to be more positive)), I must be honest that I felt a lack of security. It was nerve-wracking thinking that the Heaven I had pictured myself going to might be a little different...if there was even such thing as Heaven, at all!

When I make time to meditate and spend time with Spirit, I feel peace, and I feel myself floating in the middle of this freedom//security spectrum.  I feel God, and I feel that I am a part of God. I am free to believe and experience God in my own way, but I feel the security that there is a Force larger than me, and larger than this life.

A few weeks ago, my "aha moment" went even deeper...

I realized my dad has always given me the perfect combination of freedom and security. And then I realized, George has too. And I realized how important it is for me to parent and nurture my daughter in the middle of this spectrum.

For example,

• My dad encouraged me to try new things in college...to take that roadtrip I was on the fence about, and to invite my professor over for dinner. Enjoy the experiences. And I knew, just like in the song he wrote out for me, he would be my steady ground when I came back home.

• My husband is happy for me on my days off. My "mental health days," hehe. Days like today, when I have the nanny, but have the day off, and I can take my time at the grocery store, meditate, enjoy a yoga class, blog...just have some "me time." He doesn't hold it against me that I get these days, and he is at work. He also is the least jealous person in the world. He is trusting of me, and allows me a lot of space to grow into my own identity. He also works every day, and puts this roof above my head. And we enjoy a lot of daily routines together, providing me with the sense of security I so desperately need.

• I want to allow Lilah Grace to form her own opinions and thoughts, and become her own person. I don't want a "mini me." Of course, seeing her nose scrunch while she gives out a hearty laugh makes my heart soar, knowing this is a Lindsay-ism. But I want her to have her own favorite color ((which I think is purple these days)). I want her to have her own favorite shows, books, and political views. I want her to be free in her pursuit of self, but I also insist on building a strong foundation, grounding her, and blessing her with security that only comes from a strong family. I want her to know I will always be here for her, whether she is proud or ashamed. Whether she is ahead of the curve or behind, and whether she perceives things like I do or not...I want her to know I respect her, and I respect her right to be here. I recited to her just today, on the way to the nanny, one of my favorite life mantras from Desiderata...

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

Yesterday, our little angel threw the biggest fit I've ever seen. It was so alarming, I wondered if she was physically ill. Multiple times, I brought her in close to me, and asked her calmly what was upsetting her? And could she "use her words" to tell mama what was frustrating her? She wanted nothing to do with me. She flailed on the floor, kicked her legs, screamed, and arched her back. Her limbs looked discolored from the lack of bloodflow. It was frightening. I told her that we each needed some alone time, and placed her in the crib. She was livid. Fortunately, the fit passed. I'm not sure if I handled it "perfectly," but I think I got a bigger life lesson, which is I'm not always going to know what to do. I will always try to be patient and loving, and if I know that is wearing out, I will separate myself ((knowing she is safe, of course, from physical harm!)).

I'm kind of nervous for the "terrible twos" as she is only 16 months right now!

I digress...

...I am grateful for the Lord//God//Universe giving me ample freedom and comfortable security. I'm grateful to the leading men in my life for modeling the same way of loving, despite not articulating it until now. And, I hope to provide the same structure for my daughter. If we had no security, we would be free...and likely, anxious. If we had no freedom, we would be secure...and likely, stagnant.

xo,
L