The Way I ((try to)) Communicate With Lilah Grace at 1 1/2

Lilah Grace has been charming me to no end with her cute new antics. She's between 17-18 months, so basically a year and a half. LOVING this phase. She sleeps solidly from 7:45 or 8pm until 7 am, and takes either 2 naps or 1 long nap each day. She eats normal foods that we do ((the only foods she hasn't tried are honey and shellfish)), and is running around in our backyard MULTIPLE times each day. She loves sidewalk chalk (("tok-EE")), markers (("MAH-kuh")), and every single book she can get her hands on.

Usually, our evening routine consists of a bath, then reading a couple books, followed by "rock-EE rock-EE" in the rocking chair ((the same one my mom used to rock me in!)), then putting her in bed with her favorite stuffed animals. She is OBSESSED with bunnies (("BUH-ee")) and Jingles (("JEEK-uhl")), the jingly stuffed dog that George used to cuddle as a baby. The pink jingly bunny was from Mimi and GrandDad, and the brown bunny was from Cousins Molly and Lucas in Cape May. She also has a white bunny puppet from Grandmama that she loves ((especially when Grandmama personifies the puppet and asks LG for a high five!)). Cousin Allie gave her a beanie baby bunny at my sister's wedding last weekend, and that has quickly become one of her favs as well. ALL OF THE BUNNIES.

When we rock, I usually sing the same songs to her...

"Lullaby"
"When You Come Back Down"

((^I usually cry while singing those two songs...lullaby time is cathartic for me; it is not only a gift to my daughter, it's also a gift to myself))

"You Are My Sunshine"
and
"Blackbird"

She recently started lifting up my shirt, pointing out my bellybutton, then her bellybutton, then laying her head right on my bare chest, with my shirt pulled taut over her. She'll sometimes sneak her head out the collar and look at me real quick, then rush back to her comfortable little nook.

Last night after I sang "Blackbird," while she was snuggled tight against my heart, then she did her sign language for "more" and then adorably said "BAK-bur".

SHE SAID "MORE BLACKBIRD."

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Not only that, she sang along in her own little way. She would repeat "blackbird" and "broken" (("take these broken wings")) while I was singing. She asked for it over and over. She has a favorite lullaby! I love discovering her preferences. Her personality is truly emerging before our very eyes.

This morning, she woke up a little earlier than usual, and for some reason I was already up...just scrolling through Instagram in bed. I made my own coffee, scooped her out of bed, and took her for a sunrise walk. No stroller, no burley, just the two of us. I pointed to the sky and showed her how it was darker in the west, and starting to become orange and pink in the east. I told her the sun was rising now, and will continue to rise every single day ((I saved the global warming and//or nuclear weapons talk for another day)). We collected leaves, and admired the trees, birds, crickets, and ducks. She was mesmerized while patting the trunk of one particular tree, then said "boo boo" when her fingers came upon a piece of missing bark. I told her that "yes, the tree has a boo boo, why don't you kiss it and make it feel better?" and she did. She is such a special, loving angel baby.

I'm trying ((operative word: try...as in, maybe 25% of the time with a goal of "more often"...full disclosure, I'm writing about my "best parenting moments," but I fall short a lot and there are definitely moments where I'm not so present! They just aren't as fun to look back on!!))...I digress. I'm TRYING to be more conscious with my vocabulary and my presence. Subtle changes in the way I present the world to her might not even be noticed by some ((including her)) but on an energetic level I think I'm helping her to retain as much of that pure spiritual energy she brought down with her when she was born. I know that every human is born perfect, just a little ball of pure divine energy... and as we learn language and begin to limit objects with labels, and learn prejudice, hate, fear, and judgment, we eventually become jaded. Since Lilah Grace's vocabulary is exploding right now, I'm trying to be very aware of the way I speak to her.

That sounds very theoretical. Here are some real life examples:

"That is a tree" teaches Lilah the label, "tree." That's fine if my goal is to teach her labels for objects. I think that's the status quo for parenting. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing spiritual about it, either.

"We call that a tree" teaches her that the word "tree" is just a word; the actual living, growing, majestic creature coming from the ground and reaching toward the sky is MUCH greater than the word, but that's just what we call it.

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These are teachings from my all time favorite book, "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I have found that motherhood is taking me to deeper spiritual levels than I've ever gone, and I'm loving it. I read this book in 2008 and am re-reading it now, and am learning completely new lessons.

Another example I realized last night...

I think she is getting very close to being able to say "I love you." That will be such an exciting day!!! But I don't want her to be a parrot just repeating what I tell her. I want her to know what love feels like. I don't want her to just say it because I said it! That would definitely be cute, but meaningless.

So, last night, I asked her for the first time,

"Lilah, what does love feel like?"

This could be coincidence ((even though I don't believe in coincidences)), but her response melted me like a stick of hot butter.

"Da-da."

OMG. She's a daddy's girl just like me.

With tears in my eyes, I told her, "Yes! Dada loves you. So does Mama. And Binky, and Papa, and Grandmama, and GrandDad," blah blah.

Then, I said,
"This is what love feels like" and squeezed her while kissing her.

I want her to know what love feels like before she says "I love you."
That goes for me, and for future romantic partners!

I think one spiritual lesson I'm learning now, and will probably be learning for a couple decades at least, is not to idolize our baby. Umm, I totally do. I worship her like the goddess that she is! But I know inevitably she is human and will at some point disappoint me, and I don't want her to fall 500,000 feet off her pedestal when she does. I'm not too hard on myself for this; I'm just aware of it, and I think that's enough for now.

For all the parents out there, were there subtle shifts in your language that you noticed when you began conversing with your kids ((other than cleaning up the 'ol potty mouth))? Have you felt a spiritual growth while parenting? If you don't have kids, do you remember being a child, before you felt the limitations of language? Feel free to respond privately! You can contact me by clicking "contact" at the very top of this page.

xo,
L

The Kingdom of Heaven Is At Hand...Even If That Hand Is Freshly Manicured.



I don't believe God is an old man in the clouds. I think God is the space between every living cell in every living being. And though we are made of different cells, the space between them...I think that space is infused with Divinity, and I think that is what connects every living being in the Universe. We are all just a part of God. God isn't separate from us, He is the Connecting Force between us.

 



 

 

When I smell a flower, and can't see the scent, but know it is there because I can smell it...I think that is God.

 

Photo Credit: Kate Gale



 

When I hear a song, and don't have a distinct memory tied to it, but still get tears in my eyes...I think that is God.

 

When infant babies smile, though they have no memories or experiences to be happy about just yet...I think that is God.

 

The two utmost loves of my life



 

When I feel a breeze brush my cheek, and realize it is the same breeze that sways the tree branches above me, and the grass below me...I think that is God.

 



 

I also believe in Heaven and Hell. But I believe they are here, right now. Not some destination. Just as the wind can gently and lovingly cool me down on a warm summer day ((Heaven)), it can also meet certain earthly weather conditions, turn into a cyclone, and wipe out a city ((Hell)).

 

Photo Credit Dylan Stable



 

That is not to say God chose to put me in Heaven with a breeze, and the victims of Moore, OK, in Hell with a tornado. Rather, when I feel a breeze, I choose to Thank God, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven in that moment ((even if it is a 5 second, fleeting moment)), and when I drove through the destruction in Moore, Oklahoma a year ago, I acknowledged the Hell those people were going through...furthermore, I realized that even in that Hell, God was everywhere. But, in order to access Heaven in Hell, the victim must make that conscious choice. It is in the most devastating circumstances that we see God most easily, or choose to not see God at all.

 

Having been a traditional Christian for a couple of decades, I'm familiar with the verbiage used in the Church, and what I think is the more comfortable vocabulary for most of my friends. They would word it this way, "When God closes a door, He opens a window," or, "God is always knocking, it is up to you to answer."

 



 

Same thing. Different words, same message.

 

The people gathering from all over the country to help...God. The American Red Cross raising millions of dollars all over the world, and then the hands and feet of their volunteers...God. Even in Hell, there is God.

 

Realizing God is everywhere amidst horrible circumstances ((not caused by God)) is accessing Heaven.

 

Being unaware that God is around, and focused on the horrible times//situation//person//damage, and feeling like a victim is accessing Hell.

 

The people who were in that unfortunate set of circumstances, in Moore, during that horrific deadly tornado a year ago, who didn't see the help, who didn't realize the Love being poured in...they have an absolute separation of God and Self, and that is the Ultimate Hell.

 

Hell is not some fiery pit with a fictional cartoon character complete with horns and a pitchfork, dancing in fire...I would have to really try to believe something like that, and even if I really tried, I just couldn't. That seems so juvenile, so silly. We can see with our eyes pain and despair, and separation from God, right here, right Now. And seeing that, and not helping, but rather, coming from a place of self-righteousness, does more harm than good. Believing in a Hell doesn't make it real, and it doesn't save anybody. Donating money to natural disasters, donating time and service...that makes a difference. Showing people love, and opening people's eyes to the beauty all around them...that is the most effective way to "save somebody" from Hell. We don't have to wonder if Hell exists, or if Heaven is real. We can see it, and experience it. And we can make a difference.

 

I believe every thought we have is a choice before it is a thought, and most humans are unaware of the ability to choose their thoughts.

 

I think the first step for me was realizing I am not my thoughts. I didn't fully realize this until I was probably about 20. I think I've mentioned it before, but reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" changed my life, and the way I see the world.

 



 

Though I'd definitely heard phrases like "This too shall pass," and even the less regal, "Don't get too attached," I didn't truly grasp the temporary-ness of not only my life, but the world. Everything is temporary; this world is transient. All it takes is walking through an old cemetery to realize generations existed before us, and we had no idea who they were or what they did. This can be depressing...or it can wake us up to the moment at hand.

 

Photo Credit: The Moravian Cemetery



 

Situations always arise, therefore, it is not the situation at hand that is the problem; rather, my feelings toward the situation that is the problem. Change my thoughts, change my feelings, change my life.

 

But how can I change my thoughts? I wish it was that easy. If only I could "turn off a switch" and stop my mind. It is way too fast. Thoughts come and go too quickly for me to even acknowledge each thought and tell it to stop. I can't keep up with my mind. It has a mind of it's own.

 

Tolle explained in "A New Earth" that his "aha moment" was when he was contemplating suicide. The thought, "I can no longer live with myself" kept repeating in his mind. He questioned,

 

Who is the "I" that can no longer live with "my self"? Are there two of me? Who is the "I" and who is the "self" that "I" can no longer live with?

 

Tolle is definitely one of my most influential spiritual teachers. He embodies peace completely. Watching one of his interviews, I could see how a viewer not familiar with enlightenment or inner awareness could find him incredibly boring. He doesn't get worried, mad, sad, or visibly happy. He is just peace, wrapped up in a body. Of course he wasn't born this way; he achieved this Zen like way of life through years of practice. And I often try to think about his approach when I am faced with a negative set of circumstances.

 

**Sidenote to keep it real...I said I TRY. I am so far from Zen it isn't even funny. But I'm aware of what it looks like, and blissfully aware of what it feels like, and I am trying. I am also aware that it is easier to feel and embody peace on a perfect day. The month of May is my absolute favorite. The birth of my daughter, Mother's Day, my birthday...the cool mornings and nights, and warm days, when I can feel the Vitamin D soaking through my pores...it is easy for me to feel like a peaceful little flower child when everything is going my way. But I must remind myself when I'm getting that speeding ticket, or have a conflict at home or work, or am dealing with a customer service agent on the phone sorting out bills...it is the stressful situations that are gifts from God to teach me how to embody peace at all times. Tolle wouldn't get upset in those moments. He's a Zen Master! Neither would Buddha, Jesus, or the Dalai Lama! But if I can just continue improving...I'm on the right track. Looking at these moments as gifts to help me become more Zen, more peaceful...that's how I TRY to see the situation (even if I'm unable to realize that until after the moment has passed).

 

Anyway, back to my "aha" moment this morning. Many of the spiritual teachers that inspire me have detachment to emotions like sadness, nervousness, and anger. And they also are detached from the material world. For a while, when I had less money, I found it was healthy to detach myself from material pleasures. I even kind of judged those that were attached to their mani/pedis, or expensive cars, or luxurious clothes.

 

But my "aha" came to me this morning, realizing, the huge advantage we as human beings have over other living beings. The mind is both a blessing and a curse. We have the ability to have positive, uplifting thoughts, and most importantly, the ability to realize God in His Infinite Wisdom. A tree doesn't think about God, or feel God or wonder about God...a tree just IS God, without the mind to be conscious about it. The mind is also a curse, because it can go in auto-pilot ((how most humans are functioning, without even being aware of it)), with negative thoughts, and no awareness of how to turn it off. The tree doesn't worry, because it has no brain to create worry. But WE ARE NOT OUR THOUGHTS. We have livers, that create bile, but we are not bile. We have brains, that create thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.

 

The logical next step is realizing if we can detach from our thoughts, we can achieve enlightenment and embody peace. I think when I began looking at life differently ((or as some would view it, my "hippy phase"...hehe)), I took the mindset of no more material pleasures. And if I have one, it is a guilty pleasure. I shouldn't enjoy it. But this morning, I thought, if I can control my mind, why not allow it to enjoy the earthly pleasures? Why not allow it to get temporarily attached to the things that make me happy? I know Tolle would say that attachment allows other entities to become part of my identity, and then I face a potential identity//ego crisis when that entity fails, dies, or disappears. But, if I can control my mind, can't I deal with it then//later? And enjoy the Now?



 

To be more specific, if I live my life completely detached from the material world, I am not going to get a manicure or pedicure. And I usually don't, because it's not worth the money to me. A Tibetan monk goes decades without experiencing earthly pleasures. They seem to have the whole "peace and Zen" thing figured out!! But, I am not a Tibetan monk, and I never will be.

Photo Credit: Mitchell Kanashkevich





 

But this morning, as I was enjoying my morning coffee on a wooden porch swing, admiring the birds, squirrels, and watching the breeze blow through the trees, I had an "aha" moment of my own. In my life, I can indulge in a mani//pedi, and be present, and thoroughly enjoy it. Appreciate the person rubbing my feet. Appreciate and admire the color I choose from the wall of choices. Feel happy and ::gasp:: slightly attached to my new prettier fingers and toes. And, when the polish begins to chip, and come off, rather than think "I need to get another!" or "What a rip off, it only lasted a week!" I can think, "Well that was lovely. I'm so grateful to have had that experience. It is ending now, but it was wonderful while I had it." Then focus on the next experience at hand, which might have nothing to do with that mani//pedi whatsoever.

 

Every day of every week, and every year of my life, is an opportunity to discover on a deeper level, Who I Am. I think I am very familiar with my Soul, and I have felt conflicted with a personality. I blame it on being a "Gemini" ((which I think still holds some validity!))...I have eaten a Vegan diet, and I have eaten Culver's burgers for days. I can be very calm and peaceful, and I can flush my man's phone down the toilet in a fit of rage ((in my defense, that was 8 years ago)). I can rise above gossip and not make comments, but I can also dish dirt with the best of them. I guess, I'm human, and I am flawed.

 

I am also a chameleon! My surroundings dictate how I am going to act, and what I am going to say. I can blend with the sorority, I can blend with the crunchy granolas. I can relate with my plastic surgery patients, and I can relate with my feminist friends. I think ultimately, I have a unique ability to relate with almost any person, on many different levels. My favorite part about this blog is that people who read it choose to read it... it is not required reading to be my friend. So, I don't feel like I'm pushing my spiritual beliefs on anybody ((unlike some religions that literally knock on your door)). However, if I am at a dinner table with traditional Christians, I have the vocabulary and the history to relate to them on that level. For that matter, I have many friends who are politically conservative, or have other fundamentally different values, and I know when to not bring up certain topics, and I definitely know how to be respectful in their company. This blog allows me to express how I feel without the societal filters I put on when I know my audience will take issue with what I have to say. And I can always default to, "If you don't like it, don't read it."

 

Purging my musings out of my head and onto the glowing screen helps me go deeper within. Reading what I've typed, backspacing, and re-wording, helps me to realize how I actually think and feel. I could easily put all of this in a journal, and I do keep one for the thoughts I don't feel like sharing ((though it has been sparse lately...I find I go to that journal when I am upset, and I go to the blog when I'm discovering something about myself, or happy and want to share my feelings of joy)). But sharing these thoughts also opens the conversation with friends who I might not have known to start the conversation with, or complete strangers, who, thanks to technology, can become friends through the world wide web.

 

If you've made it this far, thank you for dedicating so much of your time to getting a peak into my mind. And as I type this, I remind myself...all of these thoughts are a product of my brain. The One aware of them, that sees them as clouds passing in the sky...that is actually Me. I end this Now with a big deep breath.

 

 



This was quite cathartic. Thank you.

 



xoxo,

L