Preparing for Sprout's Arrival...

"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

-Eckhart Tolle

Why do I allow myself to worry so incessantly? Anytime I am reading one of my favorite books, my anxiety tends to slip away as I become engulfed in the present moment. The specific titles that come to mind are "A New Earth," "Discover the Power Within," and more recently, "Spiritual Midwifery." These books are currently in a storage unit (along with my beautiful leather-bound journal...since I would never allow this blog to become a substitute for my journal, and since my journal is inaccessible right now, I have been keeping a lot inside...) I called the library this week to see if any of these books were available, and they are not. I went to the internet for inspiration.

What's been causing me stress lately? I could make a list with relative ease...or I could sum it up and say I didn't envision becoming a mom while still trying to get two feet on the ground. Parents (excuse the language and frank dialogue) always seemed to have their shit together.  Are we really ready to be parents at any given moment?

My present isn't what I thought my "future" would look like. I've been caught up in the timetrap. When things aren't going smooth in my life, be it a conflict at work or in a personal relationship, I aim at resolving it tirelessly. But right now, there is little I can do to have my "life in order" before little Sprout joins our family.

So with this realization, I am making more conscious choices. This didn't happen overnight. Actually, it's been a rough couple of weeks. Thank God for the endless support of my family, an impromptu girls night at Starbucks, and the unwavering love of my husband. I've had a few blessings come my way, too. Some might call them blessings, some might say I'm exceptionally lucky. 

Regardless, I had a realization that when I hear good news, my mood completely changes. Literally, from stressed-beyond-belief and teary, to an ear-to-ear smile and deep breathing. I can't allow my emotions to be swayed so dramatically by extrinsic factors! It's not fair to myself or those around me!!!! I've got to work on this! Remembering "this too shall pass," in both the good and the bad times. 

I've had fleeting moments of anxiety and happiness. But what I'm actively seeking now is inner peace. I must say, I already feel ten steps closer to that peace today than I did last week. FINALLY being on maternity leave (today is day one of forty-two) helps me tap in to the inner peace. I remember two of Tolle's quotes:

"Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not."

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

I also have been reflecting on some powerful words by Ina May Gaskin, before I embark on this journey of BIRTHING our baby! I am not afraid to go into labor. Sure, her size is intimidating...and I know it's going to be painful...but I am excited to be the vessel that allows a spiritual being to become her own physical lifeform. What an honor.

The following is a quote from Ina May in her book, Birth Matters: A Midwife's Manifesta:

For the birth, I have made a playlist of songs I think I'll want to hear. I have a wide range!!! I figure for the parts that seem like more of an intense workout, I'll want music to pump me up. I also thought there might be a part of me that would appreciate a laugh, so I've included some more humorous titles ("I'm Coming Out," "Drop It Like It's Hot," "Ring of Fire," to name a few). 

But there are also more contemplative, meditative songs, to help me tap in to the spiritual act that birth is. My midwife wrote me a letter after the rough week with the bloodclot, and suggested a song with Christian lyrics for my inspiration. Though I don't attend a church regularly, I can easily become attached to the messages in Christian songs, because I hear the words through my own filter. I think about what those lyrics mean to me, exactly where I am on my spiritual path. The song "He Will Carry Me" might sound like a regular Christian pop song to some, but as a woman about to give birth for the first time, and as a woman feeling deeply connected to Life around her, I hear a very powerful message that is telling me a Force greater than myself will help me get this baby out. I know that during birth, regardless of how this baby decides to come to us, I will be relying on God/Universe/Jesus/Holy Spirit. Call Him/Her what you will; language doesn't matter. 

Some songs aren't necessarily religious...but when processed through my filter, become spiritually uplifting. I used to like the Sade song "By My Side" as a romantic R&B track. Then, I thought it would be a fantastic song to add to the playlist, envisioning the lyrics coming through George to me. Then I took it to another level, and thought....there is a good chance George will think this song is cheesy or unimpressive (as he typically does, being the music critic that he is), and if he insults it while I'm expecting him to be practically DEDICATING it to me, it will tick me off. So I thought, why not dedicate this song, in my crazy little head, from God, to me? God won't criticize, critique, or laugh at the song. When I thought about this new perspective and heard the song again, I heard it like never before.

We are counting down the days for Sprout's arrival. I was hoping she would make her appearance with the BEAUTIFUL full moon last night. If she doesn't come by May 5th, I will be induced and see her on May 6th. Finally. While I don't like the idea of rushing Mother Nature, I can't afford to waste my days off without my baby in my arms. I need to maximize my time away from work, nurturing and loving on my baby. I need that, and she needs that. Then, when I return to work, I will focus on the importance of a strong work ethic, and how lucky women are to be able to work and provide a substantial income for their families. I will need to remember the Tolle quotes I mentioned earlier in this post, about being present, and tapping into inner peace rather than fleeting happiness. I must remind myself as I struggle to find the balance between working woman and a new mother, that I will make mistakes, because I'm human. But my daughter will have a leading female role model that gives her best in all areas of her life... and that is all I will ever ask of her. 

Sweet Sprout, you are already so loved.
Come and meet us! We are ready for you.

*Maternity Photos by Stephanie Rose Photography.

*The other photos are my own.