Musings From Another Mother: Mallory.

Once a month, I've been making an effort to share musings from other mothers who inspire me.

January: Janelle 

February: Ashton 

March: Andrea

April: Allison + Annie 
May: Jen

This month, I'm excited to share some ridiculously enriching responses from Mallory.

Mallory joined me and the Denton Women's Collective ((our 501(c)3 organization devoted to helping women in our community...you can read more here)) recently when we brought the Finding Kind anti-bullying campaign to my alma mater. Any interaction I've had with her has always been a treat. Her vibe is totally chill, but you know there's a lot going on in that brilliant mind of hers. I knew her background was way different than mine, but we have a lot in common today, and so naturally, I was stoked when she said she would be willing to share her musings with me. Enjoy!!

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What's your definition of a "feminist"?
Yikes. The F word. I don’t know, man. What can I say that isn’t an obvious answer? A person who advocates for the equality of genders.

A person maybe? Just a person. A person who identifies as a human rather than as a gender. A person who goes exactly where their heart and soul routes them because it is their divine right. I think there a lot of women who do not identify as feminists but actually are. Women who roll up their sleeves and take out the damn trash or mow the lawn or become engineers or attorneys because they can. I think a lot of woman would love the opportunity to remove their beauty routines and skip the unequal pay bullshit, but they may not recognize this as something that could actually happen.
In too many places, people are not allowed their divine rights, and that’s where, I believe, “feminists” really get to take on their armor as advocates. 


Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I do.  There are two types of feminism. One considers the difference between male and female to be psychological and culturally constructed; and the other considers the difference to be biologically innate. I fall somewhere in between. I recognize the biological difference in men and women. I know I’m more tender, sensitive and nurturing than my husband, but that I also know that I can do anything he can. (Besides pee standing up. He’s got me there.)



Do you feel closer to whatever you call the Higher Power since a having a "feminist awakening"? Further from? Ambivalent? Do you think feminism and spirituality are related, or have nothing to do with one another?
I don’t know about “higher power,” but I do believe feminism and spirituality are related. When you become connected to your inner being by respecting and claiming your divine rights (feminism) you can experience a spiritual awakening. When a person looks inside to declare things for themselves, they have to look deep. They will essentially discover a myriad of values about themselves and the world and the universe (ultimately, spirituality).

I also think spirituality brings you closer to others and creates this resounding need to help anybody who needs it. And feminism is all about it.


What do you do and what encouraged you to get into your line of work? 
I am a senior litigation paralegal.

I initially wanted to be an English, ESL or Spanish teacher. I have my BA of English Lit and Spanish. I never finished my certification for teaching because I got pregnant the semester before I would’ve started student teaching. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage. After the procedure to remove the baby, I became enveloped in depression with the loss, but also felt embarrassed that I missed and loved somebody who I never got to meet or hold. (That’s ridiculous. I know that now.) I didn’t have the motivation to do the student teaching anymore and decided to finish my BA without the certification.

I’ve always been a worker bee and when we became pregnant with my oldest, Van, I knew I wanted a career that was flexible with mommyhood, but still provided a decent income for our family. A very good friend of mine had mentioned that I’d be great in the legal field and actually spoke with her firm about a position for me. I now work for two ol’ cowboys at a small, family run firm. They both have children and put their family first. I learned quickly I don’t have a passion for the paralegal work, but I do for the people I work for. When you love your job, it’s hard to leave.

That being said, I don’t know if I would ever be a paralegal for another firm. I have come to love my boss and their families, but I don’t think this is the field I am most passionate for. When my boys are a little older, I’ll probably spring for the certification and go back to teaching. I have a deep passion for kids with learning disabilities (my husband was diagnosed with a few when he was a child) and I think I’ll probably end up somewhere in education.

What spiritual practices//habits//routines do you incorporate into your life? How do you bring spirituality to your family life? 
I have been into meditation for a while now, although I don’t practice it anymore. My high school gifted/talented teacher would have us practice a relaxation method, and I think that was the first time I meditated successfully. I have a really hard time meditating now, but I don’t mind that. Moms’ heads are often filled with schedules, routines, chores, kids’ desires, husband’s desires, kids’ goals and health and so on and so on. I think sometimes the cloud is too thick for me to clear.  I think the important thing is that I learned from those times that I did meditate. I like the enlightened version of myself. It has expanded and opened my mind.

Unfortunately, I am terrible about not “being present.” And one of the things my husband brings to the table is the ability to be present wherever he is. He pushes me to enjoy every moment, really take it in, and stay there. I’d say the spiritual practice I’m most committed to is learning and trying to stay present in every moment. Whether it’s soaking up the sun or breathing in the air around me or touching my baby’s hand while he is nursing, I am just trying to remember and love and be in those sacred moments. 

Do you want your children to have the same religious experience that you did as a child? 

Hail no. I still have security issues and paranoia from being brainwashed a little too much as a child.  I can’t watch movies the same way that others can. I get scared of demons even though I don’t believe in them. I have had many say, “You don’t believe in that stuff so why are you afraid?” Habit. Foundations. When you grow up with people scraping off your layer of disbelief in the unreal, it’s very difficult to grow it back. I have a few close friends who have also left our United Pentecostal “cult” and they suffer from similar scars.

Although I grew up with people shoving religion down my throat, often drowning my own security in their fire and brimstone sermons, I also saw the good things that religion could do. My dad quit smoking after 20+ years of being a nicotine addict. My youth group volunteered on multiple occasions to help with the homeless or clean up the community. My mother pushed my siblings and I to become better people because she believed in it.

Some religious people are helping the homeless, being the shoulder for the weak, and giving so much to anyone in need. They’re not all picketing at Gay Pride parades. I like to think that’s because they are essentially GOOD people. But maybe the religion has a lot to do with it, too. I don’t know. I just think when you sprinkle the religion over their kind hearts and good deeds; it dilutes the good with intolerance and hatred. We’ve all heard the debates and I won’t go into the details. Because I can see the inconsistencies with religion, (with the bible and other holy books), it’s frightening to comprehend that others don’t.

I think the most important thing I can give my two boys is the lack of that experience. They might make the decision to be a part of a religion someday, but that’s their choice. Not mine. At least I know I didn’t have any part in scaring them into a belief, or shaking them out of their own security. What I can give them is the love and respect for the universe and the people around us. I think that’s more important.


What is the difference between religion and spirituality?
 
I believe Chopra said it best, “Religion is the belief in someone else’s experience and spirituality is having your own experience.” 


What do you think happens when we die?
I fear I’m going to disappoint you with my response, but, honestly, I do not know. I am an optimist and a part of me deeply believes that we are reincarnated into a new being or a new lifeform (and maybe not just on Earth). I believe in souls, and I believe that souls live on even if in a cosmic sort of afterlife, like floating around in some other verse.

I believe if you are a good person, your soul is strong with deep rooted powers. Those good people can live on through their family, friends, or others with those powers. Maybe the bad have a harder time because their powers aren’t as strong. And maybe not. I can’t say for sure. That’s why it’s so important to have your own spiritual enlightenment. You get to choose what you believe in and that will ultimately decide what kind of person you’ll be in this life and the next. 

Conversely, the other part of me just thinks life is one little flame and when it goes out, your body becomes fertilizer, and the memory of your life through others is the only thing that lives on.


How do you talk to your kids about the big questions?
You know, I’m not big on putting a lot of my beliefs in my kids’ heads. When I give answers to questions, I make sure to always tell Van that they are my beliefs and that everyone has their own. I reiterate that he is a being and those big questions are his to answer, not mine. My parents are very religious and I don’t discourage him from being around them because of that. I just let him know that he doesn’t have to do what they do. And he doesn’t have to think what they say is truth, but that doesn’t mean they’re not entitled to their belief.

I fear that my open-mindedness will leave them feeling deprived someday. I recently read Cheryl Strayed’s Wild, and when she discovered her mother was dying, she felt angry that her mother didn’t brand her with a religion or a God for her to sanction to. I think in the hard times, you want to feel that brand of religion, to give you a safety net. But for the most part, it’s liberating and motivating to be the maker of all your insecurities and accomplishments. It’s like being a mom-sometimes you HAVE TO. Life is about HAVING TO. And when there is no cloud of cotton candy for you to fall into when life is rough, it is then you stand firm on your own foundations. The world around you can provide you with its own safety net. The beautiful earth can give you comfort. The people can give you strength. Education and knowledge can give you a beautiful afterlife. And love can give you freedom. It is okay to not have it figured out. You eventually will figure everything out because you HAD TO.

The big questions are important to me. But they’re important for everyone to answer on their own. While I can guide my little starlings to be good people, I mostly want them to make that journey for themselves.