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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Complexities of Pregnancy.

I typed up a blogpost shortly after discovering we were expecting a baby...and never published. It just didn't feel right. But I found it, and thought it would be a good one to add in my new "pregnancy" post tab :)

POST STARTS HERE:

After finding out we were expecting a baby, we thought long and hard about how we would share with friends. We actually waited a while before sharing the news...I wanted to announce the news in a clever and creative way online, of course! But George didn't feel right about it, and I respected his decision (even though I was excited about the various photoshoots including: headphones around my belly connected to George playing his guitar, an actual 'bun' in the actual 'oven,' or just a cropped image of me holding a bikini in one hand, a sign in the other stating, "WILL TRADE FOR CRIB").

So, I went inward. Which is different, since I have enjoyed this blog, and definitely enjoy interacting through social media, be it Instagram or Facebook. But I think it's been a healthy decision for me and our growing family. My journal is getting thicker with handwritten pages, and I've found that the journal is more authentic. Nobody reads it, and I don't have to filter anything.

But I've been reading a lot, too, and with reading insightful books comes this need for me to spread the message! And while journaling is beneficial for me, I think blogging about my discoveries could be beneficial for others going through similar situations. It might be that the kind of audience who would be interested in my musings on pregnancy won't find them applicable for a few years... but these will still be accessible then, so here I go.

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I've received a few books from friends and family, and am very grateful for their thoughtfulness and generosity. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I have a short attention span when it involves somebody else's thoughts or passions, and a very long focus when it involves my own.

 **(This will have to change when the baby comes. I'm hoping that will come more naturally than it does now.) 

With that being said, I've not been able to put down two different books, and I have two coming in the mail any day now by legendary midwife, Ina May Gaskin.

My two favorite reads as of late have been "Why Have Kids," by one of my favorite authors, Jessica Valenti, and "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolf.

Ironically, I was on a waiting list at the Grapevine Public Library for "Why Have Kids" before we found out we were expecting a baby. I didn't know anything about it, other than it was Valenti's latest book, and I knew I loved "The Purity Myth" and "Full Frontal Feminism." About two days after we found out the news, the library called me to tell me the book had come in. I wondered if I should read it, and went ahead. I now think that was Divine Intervention.

Both books were such inspirational, thought-provoking, outside-of-the-box, honest reads about first-time moms. I think back on my elementary school days and learning the different styles of writing...persuasive, how-to, narrative....these books are not your typical pregnancy books, which I find to be very "how-to". These are biographical narratives with a global focus.

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What I've found in these books, is that everything I'm thinking and feeling is to be expected. Not only because of my individual situation, but because of our nation's situation. Many people have comfortingly said, "If you wait to have enough money, you'll never have kids," and "When you're young you have the energy but no money, when you're old you have the money but no desire."

I've felt myself wondering why we can be a country where both political parties tout "family values" but neither seem to be implementing policies that help women with healthy pregnancies, safe deliveries (of their choice), and postpartum healing/bonding time. Sure, a woman who is lucky enough to have a job with FMLA as a benefit might be able to take 12 weeks off, but that's not guaranteed to be paid time off, and in this economy, most couples are both working outside of the home. This doesn't take into account the high cost of childcare and healthcare (for the baby AND the family).

I've always been interested in politics (in high school I was smart to keep my mouth shut most of the time...being really involved in FCA and Young Life, I knew my liberal viewpoints were not shared by most of my peers). I was extremely involved in Obama's campaign on OU's campus, and started a feminist collective after moving back to Texas. Yet so often during this pregnancy, I've felt as though the energy it takes to engage in political discourse is too draining. On the other hand, it really matters. So while I want to make a difference, stand up, fight for what's fair and just...I also just want to be this little cocoon, providing a safe, warm, serene environment for my baby to grow and develop and not be exposed to stress hormones and chemicals that aren't absolutely necessary.

Even in my relationship with George, I've found myself slipping into more of a passive arguing partner. Years ago, I threw a chicken parmesan meal like a frisbee in his yard in the midst of my anger. I flushed his phone one time! I feel like I wouldn't even recognize that version of myself anymore. Now when he angers me, I try (and I think I'm successful 90% of the time) to breathe in and out, and let it go. I am comforted by our marriage, and trust that even though an argument is uncomfortable, it will pass. This isn't always easy, but I feel it is necessary.

I know that our baby can smell, sense light, and hear. I'm avoiding things I ENJOY (red wine and Shiner Cheer are among the first that come to mind) for the sake of the baby, so why would I partake in things I DON'T ENJOY when I know it is harmful for the baby?

I don't know how single moms do it. And I haven't even BIRTHED HER YET. But I must say, despite my desire to be an independent female who doesn't need a man...I now need mine more than ever. I find myself clinging to his arm a little tighter than usual on our walks. On some subconscious level, I think I realize I'm more vulnerable now and he's not, and I need his protection. Even if it is crossing the street, or getting down from a higher platform. I need to be touched more often than I did before. He tells me often how proud he is of me, and how beautiful he thinks I am, which honestly, HELPS A LOT! More often than not I brush him off with a "whatever," or "I know I don't look pretty, I just woke up." But deep down, I'm grateful for his attention.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant now (and will be 22 weeks in 2 days!), and I have to say I love being pregnant. There are definitely ups and downs, but I think in my case, the hardest part has been the psychological adjustment. Physically, I've been fortunate in that I never got morning sickness. I've been putting on weight like I never dreamed possible, but it's actually kind of fun, because I know it's worthwhile. I figure there will never be another time where I get on the scales and WANT the number to be higher than last time, so I might as well enjoy the process.

I felt her move a few weeks ago, and now enjoy feeling her everyday. My favorite times are those when it's just the two of us (me and baby, that is) in the bath, and I can sing to her and feel her dance. I remember one of my first drives to work after finding out the news (and months before I could feel her move), thinking I wasn't alone in the car ride. That feeling has lingered.

Knowing I'm responsible for another human being with every decision I make every day is daunting. It's no easy task. But I also feel united to every other mom that has ever been through this process. I've realized that we are just MAMMALS and animals have been doing this birth/pregnancy process forever. I feel lucky to be experiencing this process.

xoxo,
L







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