"There Could Never Be a Father Who Loved His Daughter More Than I Love You"...Another Bittersweet Post on Mortality.

I was doing some housework while my iTunes played on shuffle, and when this gem of a song came on, I felt inclined to stop what I was doing, and write. So, here I am.

Stephanie Rose Photography

"Father And Daughter" by Paul Simon

If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard
of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your bed

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two,
There could never be a father who loved
His daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like goin' fishin'
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
You don't need to waste your time
Worryin' about the market place;
Try to help the human race
Strugglin' to survive its' harshest night 

((Disclaimer, this is the song my sister and daddy danced to at her wedding, almost exactly one year ago on 10.18.14))

******************************************************************

There is a very special relationship between dads and their daughters. My sister and I idolize our dad. We think he hung the moon. And I see the way Lilah clings to George, and I know she already feels the same way I do about my daddy. Sometimes, during days when I'm home and G is at work, LG will tell me, "I miss my dad." In those instances, we'll call him up just to tell him. I'm grateful that we can just call him up. Is it just me, or does parenthood make everybody else acutely aware of our mortality?

I have friends who have lost their dads. My heart aches for them. It is complete and utter bullshit that there are good people who die young while octogenarians who have been convicted of child molestation and murder continue to live behind bars. I feel like saying "life isn't fair" is such a gross understatement. 

The only thing that gives me hope, is witnessing that life goes on outside of these bodies we are given. I don't believe in a traditional Heaven with an old Father figure named God, puffy clouds, and a list of names VIP style for who gains entry. But I do believe the soul is eternal, and energy can't be destroyed.

I attended the most gorgeous, thoughtful, every-detail-was-perfect-this-will-rule-on-Pinterest, wedding this month. The beautiful bride lost her father a few years ago. I remember when he passed away. I felt like there were no words I could say, still having my daddy, to my friend in her grief. All I remember sharing with her, was that butterflies are my favorite symbol, and I hoped for her that the butterfly trinket I gave her would remind her that her dad was around in a new, even more beautiful and omnipresent form. After this exchange of words, she told me her dad also loved butterflies, and this was a special thing the two of them had. 

What I'm about to type will sound like fiction, but know that with every fiber in my being I promise this is true:

When this gorgeous bride and groom were saying their vows outside on the most beautiful day I'd seen all year, there was a big butterfly fluttering around her. 

I'm literally tearing up as I type this! I promise this is real.

George and I were sitting toward the back, many pews ((yes, outdoor wedding in the woods, with vintage church pews, I'm telling you, the wedding was so dreamy)) away from the newlyweds, but I saw that butterfly. Her dad was there. Of course he was. The toasts made later during the reception were so moving. His legacy was honored, and his presence was palpable.

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Surprisingly, many people have asked George if he was "disappointed" that we were having another girl, or if we are going to "try for that boy." He's not disappointed. We aren't "trying for a boy." We feel sorry for the people asking the question, because clearly they don't know the magic that exists between a daddy and a daughter. We know it firsthand, and we are so excited to get to experience that twice.

Greer Inez Photography

Parenthood is a trip. These little people depend on us for their every need. I can't wait to hold our brand new, fresh from Spirit, baby girl, and I can't wait to change her diapers, and give her milk for every meal, and rock her until she falls peacefully to sleep. This time will be sacred and precious, and I'm counting down the days!

Greer Inez Photography

And simultaneously, I want to cling to my parents. I want to savor their health, their life, their time with me while I have them. My parents are young, but we just don't know what the future holds. I hope they live to be over 100 years old in the most perfect health, and then pass on peacefully in their sleep at the same time holding hands. That's how I want to go out with my man. The day after we complete everything on our Bucket List together.

I know as a society, we fear aging and being helpless and dependent. But I want my parents to know that if ever a day comes when I need to feed them, change them, rock them peacefully to sleep, I will be just as honored to love them in the way they loved me when I came into the world. When this little baby enters our lives in December, I'm not going to think, "God, what a burden. I can't believe I have to feed her again." Time will stand still when I give her what she needs. Our eyes will lock, and no words will be necessary. I'll see her soul, and she'll see mine. And my hope is that when//if I have similar experiences with my parents, they'll know that I'm just as honored to love them in this capacity. 

And if my parents are taken swiftly from me, I hope they know just how much I love them, and how much I've needed them, and that adjusting to life without their physical form will be the hardest thing I'll have to endure up to that point. It's what I fear most...losing my people. My mom lost her mother ((unexpectedly)) when she was 9 months pregnant with my sister. She was 27 years old. When I put myself in her shoes, I feel panicky.

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Stephanie Rose Photography ((03.24.2012))

Stephanie Rose Photography ((03.24.2012))

The song that inspired this post belongs to my sister and dad. But when I hear the opening lyrics, I have now considered it from both perspectives. The parent taking care of the child, and the child taking care of the parent. It makes me tear up thinking about it. Not because I don't want to, but because I just want to freeze time so damn bad. I want to live forever in this middle place, where I have my babies, and my parents. 

Ultimately, I'm grateful for love, because I'd much rather carry this fear of losing my people, than not know what it was like to love someone so much. 

I'm grateful for this weekend, when the people I love most will all be in a cabin in the woods for a weekend away together. Memories are going to be made, and I'll be sure to photograph + document it, so I have the chance to re-live it in another blogpost, scrapbook, or sleepless night when I am flipping through my iPhone. 

Excuse the somewhat emotional and morbid blogpost, I'm 28 weeks pregnant, and a grown woman. I do what I want.

xo,
L 

I'm a Believer

This song takes me right back to my FIRST strolls with Lilah Grace, as a tiny newborn. It was summer, in my parents' neighborhood...early mornings, hot days, and cool nights after dipping in the community pool. 

This song came on shuffle today on my stroll with our sweet angel baby, and maybe it was the song...maybe it was the gorgeous blue sky (not a cloud in sight, 68 degrees)...maybe it was our sweet daughter hanging on to the cupholders of her stroller, engaging in every person, animal, tree...engaging with every soul on our walk....but this song touched me again. I heard it in a new way, and had to go home and look up the words, and share.

I dedicate this song to you, my sweet baby. You're my utmost happy, my ultimate muse. You are why I am a Believer!!!

My favorite lines are in bold. I'll shut up and let the lyrics speak for themselves.

"I Believe In Everything"

JJ Grey and Mofro

"I believe in everything 
from a river running backwards
to a bee when it stings
and I believe 
in the voices out here
telling me to hold on
but let go of my fear

a childhood imagination
has been my salvation
one cloud at a time
lord I'm dreaming
let me look upon her 
one more time
this beauty that I love - she's why

I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer

I believe in what I can't change
in a hard lesson learned
and the strength from my pain
and I believe
in what I can't prove
in the joy of not knowing
and the misunderstood

let go of my past
let go of my future
one cloud at a time
yes I'm dreaming
let me look upon her 
one more time
this beauty that I love
before she's gone, before she's gone

I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer
I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer

the memory of one moment
is the beginning and the end of who I am

I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer
I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer
I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer
I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer

tell me about something tell me about something you believe in
tell me about something tell me about something you believe in
tell me about something tell me about something you believe in"

Wiggly Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqA8HaJ68P0

"Cleo" by Built to Spill

Wiggly days wiggly nights
When it's dark bring in lights so you can see
What a sound straight through my spine
Bounced off me
Makes me round
3-D sound
Push it down move it around, see I'm fine
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
When there's nothing I have ever seen
(In here, In here)
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
Ain't it strange that I have brain activity
(In here, In here)

Who brought those cameras in
Who gave who the right
Inside a sea turned from frog to freak
(Linnart Nilson shut off those lights)
To tiny, red, and meek
Strange that I'm a human being
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
Aint' it strange that I'm a human being
(In here, In here)
Ain't it strange that I can dream
(You can say it's night or day
Snow or rain it's all the same)
Living in the womb
Running out of room
Have to come out soon
Have to meet the sun and moon and

My husband and I had a really fun time creating this video for Lilah. Looking forward to showing her when she's old enough to realize this is her journey!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqA8HaJ68P0

Listening to Lyrics in March

LADIES AND GENTS

FOR THE MONTH OF MARCH 

MY "FAVORITE LYRICS POST" GOES TO:

EDWARD SHARPE AND THE MAGNETIC ZEROES

DISPATCH

INDIGO GIRLS

Well, it's a lovely Saturday morning. I'm grateful I set my alarm for 7:11 and stuck with it. Sipping my coffee slowly, and enjoying the lightly flavored butter toffee flavor. Listening to music and searching for more. I really like Pandora and my iTunes Genius Recommendations for discovering new music. Also, I'm grateful my boss has a very eclectic taste in music and I am exposed to new music in the operating room all the time. Recently, I heard a song, "Janglin" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, and I recognized it (later I realized it was a Ford commercial...). I instantly loved it, and it put me in a really happy, care-free, peaceful mood. Here is an awesome video of this band playing the song "Janglin" followed by "Home" (the lyrics of the latter will be mentioned below) at NPR: click here.

I downloaded the whole album and have a new favorite song, and dedicated it to my sweet man yesterday. This song is a much more blissful and nostalgic way of saying, "Home is Where the Heart Is..."The lyrics are beautiful and it DEFINITELY is going down as my favorite lyrics of my month thus far!!

Click Here to Hear "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

click here for the all of the lyrics

George rarely gets online, and even more rarely gets on Facebook or Blogging sites. In the event that you're taking a study break, George, and have stumbled across this post, know that this song is from me to you. Love!

My favorite lyrics:

I'll follow you into the park 
Through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I never loved one like you
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Alleyways and pay phone calls
I've been everywhere with you
That's true
Laugh until we think we'll die
Barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you
And in the streets you run a-free
Like it's only you and me
Geez, you're something to see
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

The next song of choice for me has to go to "The General" by Dispatch. This isn't a new discovery to me, but I felt like sharing (as I've shared a few posts on spirituality and religion lately) this song's double-meaning to me. To listen to the song while reading the lyrics, click here.

The song is intended to be about a general telling his soldiers that the fight is not worth fighting, and they are free to go and forgiven for not completing the military task. I really like thinking about the lyrics as Christ instead of the General, and the troops being all of us. Here are my favorite lyrics in the song, and why I think they could be perceived as Jesus' message to the disciples prior to His crucifixion:

"He grew a beard as soon as he could to cover the scars on his face 

And always urged his men on..."

(depicts our typical image of Jesus with the beard, and the visual of Him encouraging his followers)

"He said: I have seen the others 
And I have discovered 
That this fight is not worth fighting 
And I have seen their mothers 
And I will no other, to follow me where I'm going 
So
Take a shower, shine your shoes 
You got no time to lose 
You are young men, you must be living
Go now you are forgiven ..."
(when Jesus accepts the crucifixion as part of His mission and hangs His head while saying, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do," while urging His followers to go on and live happy and fulfilled lives)

"But the men stood fast with their guns on their shoulders 
Not knowing what to do with the contradicting orders 
The General said he would do his own duty but he would extend it no further 
The men can go as they please" 

(when Jesus was crucified, He accepted the death as part of his duty but didn't expect any disciples to die with Him)

"Not a man moved their eyes gazed straight ahead, 
Till one by one they stepped back and not a word was said 
And the old general was left with his own words echoing in his head..."

everybody watching Him take His last few breaths. Can you imagine what was going through Jesus' head?!?! I imagine it was the rest of the lyrics of THIS song:
Go now you are forgiven
Go now you are forgiven

Go now you are forgiven
Go
Yea

Go now you are forgiven
Go now you are forgiven

Go now you are forgiven

Go

Go now you are forgiven
Go now you are forgiven

Go now you are forgiven

And my last song for the month....another beautiful song that relates back to religion..."Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. I felt it necessary to post this one (and save the best for last) because there was an Indigo Girls reference on Glee this week (LOVED the episode, by the way! Yes, I'm a total GLEEK!) and I have probably listened to this song beginning to end, about a thousand times. I was SO glad to have seen them perform live at Austin City Limits in 2007. I couldn't find that particular concert, but here is the song, played in Austin, at Stubbs in 2009. Here is a link for the full lyrics. TRULY all of the lyrics (and it's kind of a long song) I believe to be noteworthy, but I'll just type out the chorus, in an effort to prevent this post from becoming long-winded...

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine....

Yeah we go to the Bible, we go through the workout

We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout

This message speaks particularly loudly to me at this point in my life, as I have been in a deep state of analyzation and inquisition. I've been asking so many questions, trying to figure out exactly what I believe and why, and sometimes I think it's healthy to step back, take a deep breathe, and remember, "it's only life after all." The Girls word it beautifully with the "less I seek my source (GOD) for some definitive (ANSWERS), the closer I am to fine..." THANK YOU INDIGO GIRLS! YALL ARE AMAZING!

Well, music once again inspires me. I am grateful if anybody read through this post, and as always, would love feedback, and personal recommendations for music, lyrics, inspiration, or analyzation! Thank you for reading and have a beautiful weekend!!!!

 

Listening to Lyrics

I love a good melody, but sometimes, the lyrics in a song get my mind a-thinkin'. And sometimes, I feel inspired and want to share them. Lovin' the new blog addiction for this VERY REASON!!! SO I thought, I'll gradually (so as not to bombard and overwhelm) update with a new post including some of my favorite lyrics. 

Sometimes I like the vague lyrics that leave interpretation up to the listener.

Sometimes I like the lyrics that say it so crystal clear you have a vivid image that sticks with you.

Sidenote: If you are a lyrics-junkie also, you might enjoy this website: www.songmeanings.net because not only does it list the lyrics, it allows anybody to post their interpretation of the lyrics. I have used this website to obtain my lyrics and give me different perspectives many-a-times!

I have some all-time favorite lyrics, and these are a few. I realize you have to practically be a rocket scientist to learn how to comment on this thing, so feel free to message me on Facebook and let me know if any of these speak to you, or if you have any of your own! I'd be happy to upload more.

"A Case of You"

Joni Mitchell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QZioxCg20I

I remember that time you told me you said

"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

I particularly love Joni Mitchell's emotive voice. When she sings, I feel what she's singing. And I also love how based on the title alone, you'd think this song is about typical love-sick, "I gotta case of puppy love" cliche type crap! But Joni.....she twists the words around to speak about the intoxicating feeling love can give. The ups and downs/bitter and sweet. But she can handle it. She'd "still be on her feet." Ahh! Greatness!

"Skinny Love"

Bon Iver

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssdgFoHLwnk

Come on skinny love just last the year

Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
And I'll be holding all the tickets 
And you'll be owning all the fines

And here we are at my favorite winter-song. I could listen to this song on repeat and never get sick of it. Another great example of emotion coming through his voice. I wanted to post ALL of the lyrics but didn't want to get long-winded. I think the "skinny love" represents a helpless, vulnerable, barely-surviving kind of relationship. And both parties are just begging for it to last a year. Like if there is a goal in mind, it can be achieved. There are multiple interpretations of these words, but my personal take on "pour a little salt," is the visual of pouring salt on snow/ice to have it melt and go away-as if it were never there. I have no idea what Justin Vernon (songwriter/singer) was meaning when he says, "staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer" but it gives me the visual of an argument that got physical between a couple. I think cutting the ropes represents either giving it YOUR ALL or completely setting yourself FREE of that other person. It's better to be alone than to be strung along. I think both parties know they will be broken up, hence the "it will be a different kind," and I think the tickets/fines reference is that the "girl" in this relationship pushed all of the guilt/fault onto him, and so he might have the metaphorical "tickets" but in his mind, she is just as responsible for the demise of this love. If you haven't downloaded this song, you should, but it is kind of emo, so there is my disclaimer. Oh well, I can't help but love it. 

"Car"

Built to Spill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6omZ5GsuGrI

You get the car
I'll get the night off
You'll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works
Don't let me know what you find out

I need a car
You need a guide
Who needs a map
If I don't die or worse I'm gonna need a nap
at best I'll be asleep when you get back

I wanna see it when you find out what comets, stars and moons are all about
I wanna see their faces turn to backs of heads and slowly get smaller
I wanna see it now 

I want specifics on the general idea
I wanna think what I should know
I want you to do me what to show
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see it when you get stoned on a cloudy breezy desert afternoon
I wanna see it untame itself and break its owner
I wanna see it now
I wanna see it now 

And one of my all time favorite songs EVER!!!!! This song (and this band) pulled me THROUGH some of my toughest times when George and I were broken up. I felt like this song was written about us, but I know it applies to any couple going through self-exploration and needing independence and self-sufficiency. In the first stanza, "Don't let me know what you find out," says it all. They need to learn more about themselves and the world, but can't tell eachother the answers. They can't tell eachother about comets/stars/moons; but they want to SEE IT when the other one finds out for themselves. The last stanza, I think, is poetic genius. Doug Martsch (singer/songwriter) twists the lyrics to confuse the audience while making a point. I feel like saying what these words mean to me almost cheapens the lyrics. But re-read them a few times, and think about what it means to you. Plus, who doesn't want to see movies of their dreams?! The part about getting stoned I think is more about capturing a feeling of "no rules/no longer black and white/liberation" not so much about physically smoking pot. I think it's about encouraging the other to let go of inhibitions and "untame itself/break its owner..." Figuring out life independently, and coming back to one another as two individuals. That's what the song means to ME, anyway! I'm curious to hear what it means to other people. The melody is so pleasing to my ears that even without lyrics I'd love this song. But the lyrics just DO it for me! Ahh! Doug Martsch, you rock my world. One of my other all time favorite song lyrics is a BTS song that I will save for another post.....

I really love the lyrics to, "Liar" (BTS), "When You Come Back Down" (Nickel Creek), "The General" (Dispatch), and "Sky Blue and Black" (Jackson Browne). Just 4 more of about 40 million. Music does such a great job of really putting me back in a certain time period/phase/emotion. Even the song, "Crazy" by KCi and JoJo evokes feelings of my first "love," in 8th grade. Thank GOD for these SONGS!!!