My C-Section ((How I Felt Then + Now))

When I was pregnant with Lilah Grace ((to be fair, years before I was even pregnant)), I envisioned for a natural birth. In nursing school, my group was selected to present at the statewide research symposium, on our findings on water immersion during natural labor. My mother-in-law birthed her 3rd son at home. I watched the natural birth documentary, The Business of Being Born several times, and all subsequent episodes. I read all the Ina May Gaskin ((legendary midwife + author )) I could get my hands on.


If I'm being honest,  "C-Section mama" was a title that meant one of two things to me:

• A woman who was taken advantage of by her doctor's schedule and/or the medical system
• A woman who didn't care about the experience of childbirth; somebody who wanted to skip labor and just hold their baby

During the childbirth class at the hospital, I didn't even attend the c-section segment. There was just no way that was going to happen to me. I did my research, I found a midwife who had privileges at a hospital that took our insurance, and if nothing else, I've had "child bearing hips" on my otherwise petite frame since middle school.

I shared my opinions on this blog while pregnant ((with Lilah Grace)). Some of my words:

• "I also have been reflecting on some powerful words by Ina May Gaskin, before I embark on this journey of BIRTHING our baby! I am not afraid to go into labor. Sure, her size is intimidating...and I know it's going to be painful...but I am excited to be the vessel that allows a spiritual being to become her own physical lifeform. What an honor."
• "I'm not fearful of labor. I can endure anything for a day. And women have been having babies for all of time. I'm actually excited (feel free to roll your eyes). The concept of being a vessel that brings a spiritual being into a physical being is an honor, and I think it will be a transformative and spiritual moment."
• "After seeing "The Business of Being Born," I thought birthing at "The Farm" in Tennessee would be an amazing experience. I even called shortly after discovering I was expecting, but was disappointed to hear that we could DEFINITELY not afford it."

I visited "The Farm" ((arguably the natural birth hub of the world with the lowest c-section rate, at 2%)), meditated + visualized + prayed, and ultimately knew on a deep level where I belonged; I would be a naturally birthing mama. I already identified with that group of mothers. I already judged the others.

At an estimated 42 weeks, I tried to sleep, but the intermittent discomfort + anticipation kept me awake. After a few hours of contractions in the bathtub at home, I woke up my husband and told him it was time to go. The natural birth was indeed going to happen!

I had ALL OF THE FEELINGS on my 12 hours natural labor-turned 10 hours epidural labor-turned emergency c-section where my epidural had worn off, and I felt horrible + traumatic pain//pulling//ripping//electric shocks from the cauterization. 

But beyond the physical pain, I felt like a complete failure as a woman. I felt like I failed at the one thing my body was made to do...that all women's bodies were made to do...that every woman in my family and George's HAD DONE. Then, I felt like a spoiled, first-world brat. Everybody telling me that Lilah and I would've died 50 years ago made me feel really weird. Of course, I was grateful for modern medicine, and I thought about women in countries right now, in this decade, who die because the lack of adequate healthcare. I was grateful for the medical team. But I wondered...was my body made to reproduce? If I wasn't even capable of bringing a baby into the world without a major operation and the help of a medical team?

ALL THAT BEING SAID...

I think the spiritual reason I had a c-section with Lilah Grace was to teach me humility. I pretty much already had my natural birth story written out, in detail, in my head and in my heart. It looked nothing like the real story.

Before she was even born, I was prepared to soak up compliments from family + friends on my courage, bravery, and badassery. I was desperately craving external validation that I was a powerful woman.

Now, 2 years later, and 20 weeks into my second pregnancy, I realize I needed less judgment on moms who have c-sections. On moms who say "yes, please!" to drugs during labor. Because the labor//birth story doesn't prove you're powerful, though it can make for an inspiring story. I still cheer on the sidelines for the natural birthers, and I'm still impressed + inspired when I hear about those beautiful birth stories. Honestly, I'm still a little jealous. But my perspective has evolved quite a bit.

Overcoming obstacles showcases power. Being grateful and happy are more important to me than being sad about the birth story I wanted to have, but didn't. At last...internal validation.

Musings from a Pro-Choice Preggo.

I remember when the ideological debate of "pro-life/pro-choice" was based on abortion. But now, at 8 months pregnant, I have found myself being asked constantly where I'm going to deliver, who my OBGYN is, what my birthplan is, and when I'm returning to work.

If we are going to continue to defend the right to "choose pregnancy," we must, COLLECTIVElY as women, encompass the choices made throughout the journey.

It starts with the two pink lines. 

(actually, it starts with the woman choosing a contraceptive that is best for her... and if she wants to start a family, choosing to go without...then, consenting to a mutually beneficial and healthy sexual relationship...but I digress)

Two pink lines.

If the woman chooses to continue with pregnancy, she then makes decisions, every day, throughout the pregnancy, that are best for her. Food. Exercise. Alcohol (or lack thereof). Midwife/OB-GYN. Increase hours at work (more money) or decrease hours at work (less stress). We can say she 'ought' to choose what's best for the baby, but the moment we do that, we start making choices for the woman, and begin to undermine her ability to choose for herself. And when it comes to money, society ought to be sensitive when it comes to saying what one 'should' do. Often, the individual directly involved wishes they could do the same thing! But many women don't have choices (re: working/staying at home, insurance coverage, etc), based on their financial situation. 

Once she is in the third trimester, she begins to solidify a plan for getting that baby out! And so begins my rant...

...The Business of Being Born is one of my favorite documentaries, EVER. I loved all four follow-up episodes, too. I've read 3 of Ina May Gaskin (legendary midwife)'s books, and am actually going TO THE FARM in two days. Based on this paragraph, one would think I'm going to have a natural birth at ALL COSTS. And that probably includes a typed up "birth plan" to hand to the team that will help catch the baby, with strict rules of how it is to go down (This RN will not have "that plan," because I know what nurses say at the nursing station, and I refuse to be that patient. After 9 months of planning with my midwife and husband, I will trust the process and hope my choices are honored without feeling the need to be a control-freak.)

But that's not me.

I'm going to have a hospital birth, because our biggest stressor throughout the entire pregnancy is MONEY, and I am SO blessed to be covered by my mom's insurance plan until the end of May (thank you, President Obama). The insurance plan covers hospital births, but not birthing centers or home births. The cost difference is in the THOUSANDS of dollars. It was a no-brainer. I was thrilled to find a midwife in a group of OB-GYNS, and I have really enjoyed my time with her, and trust her completely.

The single most important factor in ensuring women have a CHOICE and a VOICE, is education. We have to have factual information, without a bias, to form our own opinions. 

If a woman only utilizes her OB-GYN as a resource, she will inevitably have biased information that makes the hospital look like a knight in shining armor, saving countless lives. If she only reads natural birth books/blogs, she will see the hospital as a money-hungry demon trying to push her on the table for a c-section. 

The truth is probably somewhere in between. I've definitely formed my own opinion, and I feel reluctant to even share it with the internet, because people (especially women) are SO quick to judge other women's opinions. Which is just SO IRONIC to me. Usually the same women who are 'pro choice' are liberal, more granola, and 'pro natural birth,' and sometimes....these women can be the most egotistical, condescending, competitive women out there (not to mention, these women can also be very insensitive toward women in third world countries who would do anything to have drugs/doctors to help them with birth. And saying "women in Africa squat and have babies all the time," also belittles the women around the world having babies naturally that don't CHOOSE this birth method, but rather, have no other choice. And yes, I have heard that phrase multiple times). 

I understand the desire to have a natural birth for spiritual reasons, and to feel a natural experience that all other mammals experience without the help of drugs...but if the motivating factor behind natural birth is to brag or belittle other women, the choice has then become quite shallow and petty. 

On the contrary, women who have scheduled c-sections, or who beg to be induced early, might just be missing out on an experience worth having, to feel inheritantly FEMALE and MAMMAL. And I wonder how many women out there never had that choice, based on medical issues or infertility issues (or who knows what), and would have given anything for the experience. But at the end of the day, if a woman doesn't WANT to have a natural birth, we, as women, ought to support her right to CHOOSE. 

The same goes for breastfeeding. I have my own opinion on this also (go figure, I have an opinion...)! We know breast feeding is better for the baby, and has countless benefits for mothers. But those breasts belong to the WOMAN. Not her baby, not her partner, not her doctor/midwife. THE WOMAN. And the moment another person casts judgment on her for not doing something with her breasts...they fall under the same category as a person who casts judgment on a woman who has an abortion...

I suppose, ideally, every woman would have spiritually-transformative, natural births, and breastfeed, and raise civilized, respectful, well-mannered children. Ideally, all women would be educated on the medicalization of birth (and the unnecessary procedures that occur for convenience and profit), and while we're at it, ideally, there would never be a NEED for hospitalized births. But sometimes, there is. And we ought to be grateful we have hospitals in that time of need. Ideally, all women would be educated on the benefits of breast-feeding, and would find the act both nurturing and bonding.

But that's not reality. It's not even CLOSE to reality. And I think what matters more than casting judgments, or being a Google Expert, is trusting other women's ability to make decisions for themselves. 

(*SIDENOTE....I think it's safe to say MOST women know the benefits of breast-feeding, but MOST women have to work shortly after having their babies, and MOST employers don't provide a place (nor time) to pump. So, MOST women dry up early and lose their milk supply. Which is not only emotionally devastating, but also financially burdening, as now formula is an added expense. A lack of mandatory paid maternity leave is prohibiting choice for most women. That's a WHOLE OTHER BLOGPOST....)

So anyway, I'm going to THE FARM in two days. And I can't WAIT. My dreams are ((literally)) coming true. And I'll probably be on a HUGE natural birth kick when I come back. But my underlying value, more so than natural birth, is freedom of choice. And that won't change! So choose on, fellow preggos! Choose what's best for YOU! And women out there, EMBRACE one another! On the many choices we make, everyday! On choosing to be single, or married! Choosing to have families, or choosing to focus on careers! We are living in 2013, and we are SO LUCKY to have choices. Our great grandmothers never had these opportunities, so we should ENJOY THE JOURNEY OF CHOICE!

xoxo,
L

The Farm, Ina May, and Edward Sharpe. Also Known As: THE BEST DREAM EVER.

Usually when people share with me their dreams, I find it rather boring. I'm like... "Wait, this didn't happen?" I'm not exactly on the edge of my seat unless there is some deep rooted meaning to the dream, it was about a past or upcoming future event, or somebody who had passed.

My dream last night doesn't necessarily fall into one of those categories, but it was JUST SO AMAZING, I had to share. With pictures, mainly from my Pinterest "Fairy Tale Life" pinboard...because in my dream, it was better than a fairy tale.

I'll preface by saying, I think the reason I HAD this dream was because:

(a) I am currently reading both of these Ina May Gaskin books,

(b) I'm obsessed with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes,

and
(c) After seeing "The Business of Being Born," I thought birthing at "The Farm" in Tennessee would be an amazing experience. I even called shortly after discovering I was expecting, but was disappointed to hear that we could DEFINITELY not afford it. One of the best parts in the accidental timing of this pregnancy is that I'm covered under my mom's insurance plan until the end of May (when I turn 26), and baby is due beginning of May. The Farm does not take our insurance, and since it is in Tennessee, we would have to pay for lodging before and after the birth...and since they are all natural, we could be paying for lodging for like...a MONTH...and that's not including the time off work we wouldn't be getting paid.

I digress.

So, a birth at The Farm isn't going to happen for me, but the dream I had last night satisfied my every desire of merging with that community, plus some visual images that I only could experience in a dream.

*********************************************************************************

George and I were traveling up to the Farm, to at least see what a birth there would be like. We immediately found Stephen Gaskin, one of the Farm co-founders. He crawled like a monkey, extending all four limbs interchangeably up a mountain, and we were miraculously able to keep up and follow him.

Once we made it up to the top, through several little trails, I saw a beautiful little home. I saw lots of people (okay, lots of hippies) that were all glad we had arrived. They seemed so peaceful, not a care in the world. Why would they? They were living in PARADISE. The home seemed small on the outside, but HUGE on the inside. And I was astonished (crazy that I remember this part) at how CLEAN it was. I asked, "How can yall be hippies and keep it so clean???" and they assured me, they rotated shifts for cleaning/cooking/relaxing. That sounded like something I could be into!

After meeting several strangers, I finally met the midwife legend, Ina May. She was RADIATING positive, healing energy. She had her hands all over my belly, and I loved it. She was assuring me that no matter where I had the baby, I was capable, and going to have an amazing birth.

She then told me I needed to put my iPhone away (quit taking pictures), and be quiet for the rehearsal. I was wondering what she was talking about? Apparently, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes rehearse there daily, and anybody is welcome to listen, but no cameras allowed. I happily obliged. Jade Castrinos herself came up and put her hands on my tummy, and congratulated us. I was in heaven!

The band played some silly games and songs warming up, then their 'rehearsal' really played out like a live concert, and we had front row seats.

I don't think this dream necessarily meant anything, but I do think it was my subconscious way of experiencing a total granola, natural, birth at the Farm, since I won't get to experience it there in real life. I never birthed little Sprout in my dream, just had an experience with everybody there. I LOVED IT. I'm so grateful to my dreams for the little mini vaycay I got last night.

My apologies for not citing any of these images. I got most of them from my Pinterest board, and some don't have working links. I don't have the rights to any of these images. The images in my head were even more amazing. This just gave a little peek into my head. 

xoxo,

L